3515 



675 ■'.' ■•: k- 




DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

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Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^ 

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Dream That Came True, 3 

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Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr....(25c) 10 
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M. F. 

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Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

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FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

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Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 

Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 

Box and Cox, 35 min 2 I 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W.RandolphSt.,Chicago 



Mrs. Tubes of Shantytown 



A COMEDY-DRAMA IN 
THREE ACTS 



BY 

WALTER BEN HARE 

AUTHOR OF 



"A College Town," "A Rustic Romeo/' "Aaron Boggs, Freshman," 

"The Fascinators" "Savageland," "Macbeth a la Mode" 

"A Southern Cinderella" Etc. 



RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO 

MRS. CHESTORA MACDONALD CARR 

READER AND TEACHER OF EXPRESSION 
COLUMBUS, OHIO 



CHICAGO 
S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 

c; y\ \ Ai 



ft H 
MRS. TUBBS OFJ5HANTYTOWN 

WHO'S WHO. 

MR , Mo LLIE T.b . . ••^^«£XZfc 
Miss Clingie Vine. . . •«"£»? f fc H(rtw , Go««i> 

Tom Riordan •••••• * ^j Twelve 

pUEENIE SHEBA lUBBS . . .. . . ; • , £Z^W 

Methusalem Tubbs ("Scuffles ) ^ Sevm 

vro R fr=Er A Bs T UB Bs- (■"•p«n ky ;« 2 ^. rf ^ 

Aged Ten 

Elmika Hicke c y h ; ldren - and ' neighbors.' 

Act I-Mrs. Tubbs's fTo^oom. Shadows in Shanty- 

"lI-SaniesceneasActl. A month later. M, Rub- 

b tc C T °^sir s tne. Thanksgiving Day. Sunshine in 

Shantytown. 

Y^m^AboutJTwo_ Hours and 15 Minutes. 

When you feel the blues a-coming, 

Whistle, laugh or sing. 
It makes the other fellow happy, 

You feel like a king. # ? 
Ain't no use to set -i-sighm , 

Clouds go roiha' by, m 

Test you smile and see how quick 

Sunshine fills the sky. 
-From the (unpublished^ poetry of Mrs. Tubbs. 

COPYRIGHT, 1914, BY BBBN H. NORRIS. 



Time of 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 



MRS. TUBBS SAYS: 

"Clingie's certainly a long time makin' up her mind, but 
when she's sot a steam shovel himself couldn't unset her." 

"Don't you act like a siren to him. Simon Rubbels 
wouldn't recognize a siren if he found her floating 'round 
in his bean soup." 

"I crossed over mountains and over rivers and went 
through long black funnels that would have made you think 
your last day had come. And I went around curves and 
seen sights that I never expected to have saw this side of 
the River Jerden. I've always wanted to be a traveled lady, 
and now I've done it." 

"I hope and I trust, and when a person hopes and trusts 
fer a thing they ginerally git it. Everything is bound to 
come out right some time." 

"I ain't goin' to worry. There ain't no use in h'istiir your 
umbrella until it begins to rain." 

"I jest do what I have to do and make the best of it. 
Mr. Tubbs used to say that my voice would scare anything, 
so I jest try to make it scare the blues." 

"Bibulous? Bibulous, Theodore Tubbs, bibulous? Why, 
mister, that man didn't know no more about the Bible than 
my sister's cat's tail. And what's more, I ain't got no sister. 

"His maiden name was Theodore. He was real handsome 
and a member of the Imperial Order of the Woodenmen." 

"Men is men the hull world over, and it seems jest like 
it's a man's nature to do that which they oughtn't to do, 
and to leave undone them things they ought to have did. 
That's Scripture." 

"Folks may come and folks may go, and kingdoms wax 
and wane, as the poet says, but the ironin' must be did." 

"He was out in the rain in the A. M. and caught cold 
in the P. M. That's how come I didn't send him to school." 

"What difference does money make? If you've got your 
youth and your strength and your love, that's worth all the 
money that was ever made in this whole world." 

"Love your country and stand up fer it to the last ditch. 



4 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Poor folks can love their country jest the same as rich ones. 
And better." 
"Keep smiling." 

SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAMMES. 

Act I — Mrs. Mollie Tubbs and her happy little family 
in Shantytown. The pretty, young schoolteacher and the 
Census Taker have a disagreement. Mrs. Tubbs as first aid 
to Cupid. Mrs. Hickey expresses her opinion of Simon Rub- 
bels. Miss Clingie Vine has her census taken. "My maw 
was a Virginia Hamm, and whenever we had company, pa- 
paw always wore full evening garbage." Bad news from 
Kansas. "There ain't no way too far for a mother's love. 
I'm going to my boy." 

Act II — A month later. Mrs. Tubbs returns. "There 
ain't a bit of use in h'istin' your umbrella until it begins to 
rain." Simon Rubbels decides to find a wife. "If, he ain't 
a red headed hippopotamus, there never was one on this 
green earth." A Shantytown high jinks with song and 
menagerie. Clingie Vine decides to be a siren. The light in 
the window for Jimmie. "I've got my babies, and I've got 
their love, and all the money in the world can't take that 
from me, so Mr. Simon Rubbels, the honorable Mrs. Tubbs 
respectfully declines your offer of matrimony." 

Act III — Same scene as Acts I and II. A Shantytown 
Thanksgiving. Mrs. Hickey brings the news and Miss Vine 
inherits a fortune. Mr. Rubbels worries Mrs. Tubbs again. 
"You kin turn me out in the streets tomorrow, but tonight 
this house belongs to me. Now there's the door and there's 
your hat. I won't detain you no longer." Miss Vine and 
the good looking grocery boy. "Jimmie, my boy, my boy !" 
The return of the Prodigal Son. "I reckon I'm the happiest 
woman in the United States of America. My cup runneth 
over, my cup runneth over !" 



THE STORY OF THE PLAY. 

The simple story of the everyday life of a lady of uncon- 
querable optimism who lives in Shantytown. She has four 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 5 

children with her, but her heart goes out to the boy who 
went away. A false report causes her to make a trip to 
Kansas to find the lost son, but she returns with the news 
that it was another lad of the same name. The corner 
grocer, one Simon Rubbels, decides that the thrifty Mrs. 
Tubbs would make an excellent spouse and comes to visit 
her "with matrimonial intentions." Miss Clingie Vine, whose 
mother was a Virginia Hamm, thinks that she is the object 
of the amorous grocer's attentions and is heart-broken when 
she learns his true opinion of old maids in general and her- 
self in particular. She has been boarding with Mrs. Tubbs, 
but when she realizes that it is Mrs. Tubbs that Mr. Rub- 
bels is after, Clingie quits the house in disgust. 

The love affairs of a young census taker and the pretty 
school teacher furnish a romantic, though not too senti- 
mental, element to the story. Miss Vine tries a mild flir- 
tation with the census taker, but is again rebuffed. In Act 
III, just when the clouds are darkest and Mrs. Tubbs is 
to be turned from her little home, Clingie returns in her 
own automobile, as she is now a lady of fortune. She 
spurns the attentions of Mr. Rubbels and brings the prodi- 
gal son Jimmie back to the old home nest. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Mrs. Tubes — Should be played by an actress who mem- 
orizes well and who can portray a character part with its 
necessary humor as well as the underlying pathetic tender- 
ness. Especial . attention must be given to the dramatic act 
endings of Acts I and II and to the two scenes with Mr. 
Rubbels. The actress must "let herself out" in these scenes, 
and (in these scenes) may be as stagey as she pleases, 
working for her climaxes with accelerated speed and tempo. 
This is a long and difficult part, but is the central figure 
in the entire play, and offers an ambitious actress excep- 
tional opportunity for making a "star hit." Costume well 
worn, old-fashioned cloth waist with skirt of contrasting 
color. This skirt turned up showing a long woolen petti- 
coat until her scene with Tom in Act I, when the skirt is 



6 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

turned down. Unstarched and rather soiled dark gingham 
apron of ample proportions but without bib. Hair gray and 
combed straight back and twisted in knob at back of head. 
Face pale and slightly lined. Shoes old and well worn (an 
important item). Old-fashioned cloak and hat for climax 
of Act I. In Act II she wears same costume with skirt 
turned down. In Act III well worn calico dress with large 
apron. To be played loudly and with much energy. Quick 
motions, shoulders thrown back, quick walk and good car- 
riage. 

Clingie Vine — Aged about forty. A slow, drawling, 
stoop-shouldered, romantic old maid. Speaks with mourn- 
ful voice, but shows necessary eagerness whenever the sub- 
jects nearest her heart are discussed. Slow walk and bad 
carriage, in direct contrast with Mrs. Tubbs. On her first 
entrance she wears a dilapidated wrapper, rather dirty, and 
has her hair in curl papers or rags of many color a la 
Topsy. On her entrance to greet Tom she wears the cos- 
tume described in text. In Act II she wears the wrapper 
of the first scene of Act I and changes as before to greet 
Mr. Rubbels. May wear large, old slippers with fancy red 
rosettes. In Act III her entire make-up must be changed. 
She appears like a modern lady of fashion, perfectly gowned 
in winter furs with stylish hat, silver mesh bag, etc. Make- 
up pale with comic arrangement of hair in the fifst two 
acts. In Act III use more color and dress hair in modern 
style. 

Mrs. Hickey — Aged fifty, short and stout, white hair. 
Plain wrapper with shawl. Speaks loud and. fast. On last 
entrance wears cloak and hat, both old-fashioned. 

Miss Campbell — Aged eighteen. Neat and girlish. Mod- 
est costumes suitable for late fall. Don't overdress this part. 

Rubbels — About fifty. Red wig and drooping mustache. 
Short and stout. Old-fashioned suit, overcoat, hat, mittens 
and muffier. Prompt and businesslike. Speaks short, sharp 
and commandingly. 

Tom — Neat business suit, light top coat and derby hat. 

Children — Old shoes, bright stockings, worn and patched 
clothes. 



MRS. TUBES OF SHANTYTOWN. 7 

PROPERTIES. 

Old-fashioned and well worn furniture around stage. Old 
rocking chair down L. Soap box and upturned bucket 
down R. Old lounge and dilapidated chairs. Table with 
cover and lamp down L. Ironing board at C. with irons, 
clothes basket with quantities of clothes. Book for Scuffles. 
Tin pan and wooden spoon for Billy. Sticks and paper caps 
for children. Work basket, long red stocking and black 
yarn for Clingie. Note book, purse with coin for Tom. 
Paper rose, kid gloves, false hair front and tidy for Clingie. 
Newspaper for Mrs. Hickey. Large bottle for Clingie. Old 
valise for Mrs. Tubbs. Flowers and boudoir cap for Clingie. 
Basket for Queenie. Bundles, papers, bird cage, etc., for 
Clingie. Rag doll for Punky. Kite for Billy. White apron 
for Scuffles. Small, cheap U. S. flag in table drawer. 
Crayon picture of Jimmie on wall. Statement (for rent) 
for Rubbels. 



MRS. TUBES OF SHANTYTOWN. 



SCENE PLOT. 
No change is required during play. 



1 Old Sof a with Plants in Peg; 

Entrance I I Tin Cans x 

to Street Chalr 



sfor ClothesX 

Hats Horse \ 

ir xChair\_ 



, c Old i C\\A Entrance 

flexes E-.yTl| w Ro £*, to Kitchen 

/ Chair Ironing Chair-d TrrT Jimmies; 
/ ^Upturned Board . , „ Rickety Table Picture 

/ Bucket with Red Cloth, Lamp on W c 

Old rag carpet on floor. Plenty of rickety, broken furniture. 
The entire setting may be rented for a dollar or two from some 
second hand furniture store. Remember the scene is laid in Shanty- 
town and the stage must be arranged according to Shantytown 
standards. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage; C, center; R. C, right cen- 
ter ; L., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; 
R. 3 E. } right entrance up stage, etc.; R. D., right door; 
L. D., left door, etc; D. F., door in flat or scene running 
across the back of the stage ; up stage, away from footlights, 
down stage, near footlights; 1 G., first groove, etc. The 
actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN 



Act I. 



Scene : Poorly furnished room in Mrs. Tubbs' s home as 
indicated in Scene Plot. Door R. to street; L. to kitchen. 
Window C. in flat. Lights all on. 

At rise of curtain Mrs. Tubbs is discovered in C. ironing. 
Queenie is assisting her, taking clothes from basket, help- 
ing her spread them out on board, etc. Scuffles is seated 
on upturned bucket dozvn R. working arithmetic on a blank 
book. Bright music, played loudly and rapidly, takes up the 
curtain but ceases when players speak. 

Scuffles. The book says if it takes fifteen men four days 
to build a road, how many days will it take one and one- 
half men to build it? Now that ain't sense. Whoever heard 
tell of half a man? 

Mrs. T. {ironing). Maybe it means a crippled gentle- 
man, Scurries. 

Scuffles. It's a hard example. And what good is it ever 
going to do me, even if I do find out? I ain't never goin' to 
build no roads. 

Queenie. No, nor nothin' else if you don't study harder 
and learn your 'rithmetic 

Scuffles. Tomboy, tomboy, tomboy! 

Queenie. Methusalem! (Makes face at him.) 

Scuffles. Maw, you make her quit calling me Methu- 
salem. 

Mrs. T. Now, Queenie, don't you worry your brother 
when he's so busy. 

Queenie. He called me a tomboy. And his name is 
Methusalem. 

Mrs. T. Yes, that's so. And it's a real handsome name, 
I think. Mr. Tubbs got it out of the Scripture. Methusa- 
lem was one of his favorite characters. You ought to be 



10 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

real proud of it, Scuffles, seeing as your departed paw liked 
it so. 

Scuffles. Well, I ain't proud of it. Seems like there 
was enough other names running around loose, without his 
picking on Methusalem. 

Mrs. T. That's jest the point. Shantytown is jest plum 
full of Johns and Jameses and Mikeses and Jakeses, but I'll 
bet a cookie that you are the only Methusalem in this hull 
town. 

Scuffles (to Queenie). Well, anyhow my name ain't 
Queenie Sheba, no how. 

Noise heard outside R. Billy beating on a tin pan with 
a wooden spoon, imitating a bass drum. Boom! boom! 
boom, boom, boom-! Enter marching from R. Billy, fol- 
lowed by Elmira, Punky and three or four other very 
little children in single file. They carry sticks for guns and 
wear paper soldier hats. They march once around stage in 
circle to the time of Billy's drum. 

Billy (standing R. C). Maw, we're playing soldiers 
and I'm the captain. 

Mrs. T. Ain't that nice now. You certainly do take after 
your paw, Billy. He never was a soldier man but he be- 
longed to a society what marched. It was the Imperial 
Order of Woodenmen. You certainly do remind me of the 
late Mr. Tubbs. 

Queenie (at L. CD. Why was he late, maw? 

Mrs. T. Why, Queenie Sheba, I'm surprised at you. 
When I say the late Mr. Tubbs, I mean that he is departed 
and dead. That's what late means. 

Billy. When I'm late for school, maw, does that mean 
that I'm departed and dead? 

Mrs. T. The idee ! Ain't you the beatinest child f er askin' 
questions ? Lemme see the army pee-rade again. Hep ! Hep ! 
Hep, hep, hep! 

Billy. Come on, maw, and play. I'll let you be the cap- 
tain. 

Mrs. T. I ain't got time jest now. All ready. March. 

Billy. All right. All ready. Forward, march. Boom! 






MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 11 

boom! boom, boom, boom! (Beats pan. Children march 
around room.) 

Enter Miss Campbell from R. 

Miss C. May I come in? 

Billy. Oh, it's the teacher. Goody, goody, goody! 
(Children surround her.) 

Mrs. T. Well, if it ain't Miss Campbell. I certainly am 
powerful glad to see you. (Shakes hands.) You children, 
don't you dare muss up her new dress. They're playin' 
soldiers. 

Miss C. Yes, I see. Don't let me interrupt the game. 

Queenie (crossing to Miss C). Won't you take off 
your coat, teacher. 

Miss C. Just a moment. (Removes light jacket.) 

Billy. Company, 'tendon ! Forward, march ! (They march- 
out R.) 

Miss C. I'm glad to see you working so hard, Scuffles. 

Scuffles. Yes'm. I'm making up yesterday's lesson. 
_ Miss C. You weren't at school yesterday. Were you 
sick? (Sits at L.) 

Mrs. T. Yes, mam, he sure was. He went out in the rain 
in the A. M. and caught cold in the P. M. That's how 
come I didn't send him to school. 

Miss C. (laughs merrily). I trust he is better today. 

Scuffles. Yes'm, I'm all right now. 

Mrs. T. It's been right long since you was down here in 
Shantytown, Miss Campbell. Wiggins has built a new coal 
shed. 

Miss. C. I'm going over to Flannigan's. I hear the baby 
is sick. 

m Mrs. T. He is only seven weeks old, and they will feed 
him on cold pork. No wonder he's sick. 

_ Miss C. And of course I couldn't go by without stop- 
ping and seeing Scuffles and Queenie and my old friend 
Mrs. Tubbs. 

Mrs. T. I'm right overjoyed to see you. Scuffles, you 
and Queenie go over to Mis' Hickey's and borrow some 



12 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

cookies and about three spoons of tea. I'm goin' to offer 
you some refreshments, Miss Campbell. 

Queenie {gets hat and crosses to door at R.). Come 
on, Methusalem. (Runs out R.) 

Scuffles. Tomboy, tomboy, just wait till I catch you. 
(Runs after her.) 

Miss C. I don't believe I care for a thing, Mrs. Tubbs. 
I only want to see the sunshine of your smile and hear the 
music of your laugh. 

Mrs. T. You must be makin' fun, Miss Campbell. I 
ain't got no more music in me than old man Higginbottom's 
donkey when he sings. 

Miss C. I felt so blue today. I thought maybe a little 
visit here would cheer me up. 

Mrs. T. You ain't a comin' down with fever, are you? 

Miss C. No, I'm perfectly well. 

Mrs. T. Ain't had a row with your young man, have you ? 

Miss C. Why, Mrs. Tubbs, dear Mrs. Tubbs, how did 
you guess? 

Mrs. T. I didn't guess. I reckon I jest knew. Now come 
over here and tell me all about it. 

Miss C. (sits beside Mrs. T. at L.). There isn't very 
much to tell. We've agreed to disagree, that's all. 

Mrs. T. My, my, my. I think that's enough. Don't he 
still care for you? 

Miss C. I think he does ; but that isn't it. 

Mrs. T. Don't you still care for him? 

Miss C. Yes, more than anything else in the world. 

Mrs. T. Well, what's the matter then? Is he skeerd to 
pop? 

Miss C. We neither of us have any money. 

Mrs. T. What difference does that make, if you've got 
your youth and your strength and your love?. That's worth 
all the money that was ever made in this whole world. 

Miss C. That's just what he says. But I don't believe in 
marrying without a house to move into. I told him so. 
And that made him angry. He said I cared more for the 
house than I did for him. We quarreled. And I haven't 
seen him for weeks — and I'm so wretched. But he's got to 






MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 13 

beg my pardon. I'll have nothing more to do with him 
until he says he's sorry for what has occurred. 

Mrs. T. That don't seem jest right, Miss Campbell. Ex- 
cuse me for saying it, but it seems to me that you're the 
one who ought to say she was sorry. 

Enter Queenie and Scuffles, quarreling. 

Scuffles. I'll teach you to call me names. 

Queenie. Maw, he hit me and I'll call him names all I 
want to. I didn't call him nothing but Methusalem, and 
that's his name, ain't it? 

Scuffles. No, it ain't. 

Mrs. T. Why, children, I'm plum ashamed of you. Right 
in front of the teacher, too. Where's the refreshments? 

Queenie. Mis' Hickey wasn't at home. They said she 
was coming over here. And the children didn't darst give 
us no refreshments. 

Mrs. T. Ain't that too bad, now. 

Miss C. I can't stay any longer, Mrs. Tubbs. I must 
go over to the Flannigan's. I'll stop here on my way to the 
car. 

Queenie. Can't I walk with you over as far as Flanni- 
gan's, Miss Campbell? 

Scuffles. No, you can't. I'm going to walk with her. 

Queenie. You ain't, neither. She likes girls best. 

Miss C. You can both go. If you can spare them, Mrs. 
Tubbs. 

Mrs. T. Take 'em and welcome. Be sure and stop in on 
your way back. I can offer you some refreshments then, 
I'm sure — if it ain't only bean soup. 

Miss C. Good-bye — and thank you so much for your 
advice. Maybe after all I was in the wrong. 

Mrs. T. Jest keep smiling and everything is sure to come 
out all right. 

Miss C. Good-bye. (Exit R., followed by Scuffles and 
Queenie..) 

Mrs. T. Well, I must git back to my ironin'. Folks may 
come and folks may go, and kingdoms wax and wane, as the 
poet says, but ironin' must be did. (Work vigorously.) 



14 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Clingie sticks her head in at L. Her hair is done up in 
colored curl papers and she wears a dilapidated old wrapper. 

Clingie {mournfully). Mis' Tubbs! 

Mrs. T. Come in, Clingie, and rest ; you must be tired. 

Clingie. I guess I will. 

Enter Clingie from L. She comes down L. and sits in 
rocking chair. 

Mrs. T. Did you git the heroine and hero married at 
last? 

Clingie. Yes. And it was the grandest book I ever read. 
Little Rosebud's Lover. My, but he could make love. 

Mrs. T. It must have been real nice. 

Clingie. It was awful sad. I've cried most all afternoon, 
'specially at the pathetic part. That little Rosebud nearly 
got her heart broken half a dozen times. I thought I heard 
somebody in here a talking. Did you have company? 

Mrs. T. Yes. The teacher was here. 

Clingie. Oh, I thought it might have been a young man. 

Enter Mrs. Hickey from R. with shawl over her head. 
She comes down R. and sits. 

Mrs. H. Howdy do, Mis' Tubbs. Howdy do, Miss Vine. 
Thought I'd make you a little visit. 

Mrs. T. Set right down, Ellen. I'm real glad to see you. 

Mrs. H. I'm in a hurry to git back home. I've got so 
much work to do that I don't know whether I'm standing 
on my head or my heels. But I wonder if you've heard the 
news? 

Clingie. No, not a word. What is it? 

Mrs. H. It's the Flannigans. Fur be it from me from 
sayin' a word agin anybody, but that man carries on like a 
human volcano, if there ever was sich a thing. 

Mrs. T. What's he been doing now? 

Mrs. H. He couldn't pay the rent and Rubbels has or- 
dered them out come the first of the month. And the baby 
sick and him drinking like a porcupine. 

Clingie. Ain't that perfectly scandalous? What are we 
coming to? 

Mrs. T. I must go right over after supper and take 'em 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 15 

some of my bean soup. Bean soup don't cost much, but it's 
powerful nllin'. 

Mrs. H. It will be a gift straight from the skies. Good- 
ness only knows when they've had a real warm vittle inside 
their house. 

Clingie. How awful. (Rises.) I'll see if I can't find 
some turkentime for 'em. Maybe it'll be some help to the 
baby. Turkentime is certainly a powerful medicine. (Exit 
L.) 

Mrs. H. Fur be it from me from makin' remarks, but 
that man Rubbels is the limit. If your rent ain't right in 
his hand by the twentieth, why out you go. 

Mrs. T. He ain't really going to turn 'em out, is he ? 

Mrs. H. If he ain't, I'm a widder. It's too bad. Flanni- 
gan used to git real good wages afore he took to drink. Fur 
be it from me from even hinting at sich a thing, but I've 
heard he beats her. 

Mrs. T. It wouldn't surprise me at all. When men gits 
liquor inside of 'em they ain't no more accountable for their 
actions than a yaller hound dog. 

Mrs. H. Yes, that's so. But they oughtn't to git it in- 
side of 'em. 

Mrs. T. Of course they oughtn't to. But men is men the 
hull world over, and it seems jest like it's a man's nature 
to do that which they oughtn't to do and to leave undone 
them things that they ought to have did. That's Scripture. 

Mrs. H. It does seem that Simon Rubbels ought to give 
'em a little more time to pay the rent. That man is a human 
hippopotamus, Mollie Tubbs, if there ever was one on this 
green earth. 

Mrs. T. (ironing). Mr. Rubbels ain't what you might call 
an angel of mercy, but he's got his good points, Mis' Hickey. 

Mrs. H. Good points? Simon Rubbels? I'd like to know 
what good points he's got? He's the meanest man in Shan- 
tytown or out of it either, fer that matter. What are his 
good points? Jest tell me what they are? 

Mrs. T. Well, he ain't a spendthrift. 

Mrs. H. No, he ain't. Fur be it from me from sayin' 
anything about any livin' being, but that man is so mean 



16 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

that he'd put green specs on his old horse and then feed 
her shavings, makin' her think it was grass. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Ellen. I'm sure Mr. Rubbels wouldn't do 
that. And he writes a perfectly grand hand-writing. He's 
a widder man, ain't he? 

Mrs. H. I should say he was. Three times removed. His 
last wife died just afore you moved to Shantytown. Fur be 
it from me to hint at sich a thing, but there is people who 
say she didn't get enough to eat. And when she come to die 
she said the pearly gates wouldn't bring her half the joy 
that she got from biddin' good-bye to this earthly spere of 
Simon Rubbels. 

Mrs. T. He was in here yesterday to collect the rent. 
Clingie is real struck with him. 

Mrs. H. That poor old maid. She'd git struck with any- 
thing that looked like a man, even if it was a scarecrow in 
the field. 

Mrs. T. Now, Ellen, Clingie is a real nice girl. 

Mrs. H. She was a girl when Noah and his fambly 
went into the ark. Has she got a job yet? 

Mrs. T. No, not yet. But she's expecting one every day. 

Mrs. H. And spendin' her time readin' novel books until 
it comes. I reckon she expects to have the job walk right 
in at the door and offer itself to her. 

Mrs. T. Well, she's expecting some money from her 
lawyer. You see some of her kin was real well off and she 
was left a heap of money, but she ain't got it yet. It's tied 
up in the courts. 

Mrs. H. Yes, and it's liable to stay tied up till Kingdom 
Come. But I got to be goin'. (Rises.) Ain't heard nothin' 
from your boy Jim, have you? 

Mrs. T. Not a word. Poor Jimmie. Heaven only knows 
where he is this night. But I ain't give up hope, Ellen. I 
know that he'll come home some day; and when he does 
I'll be right here waiting for him. 

Mrs. H. Well, I must go. Stop in and see me when you 
carry the soup over to Flannigan's. (Exits R. quickly.) 



MRS. TUBES OF SHANTYTOWN. 17 

Enter Clingie from L. 

Clingie {resuming her seat down L. 3he has a zvork 
bag with a long bright red stocking. Large hole in heel and 
toe which she is mending with black yarn.) I couldn't find 
the turkentime no wheres. I certainly do sympathize with 
the Flannigans. I suppose the baby will die and that Mr. 
Rubbels will turn 'em out of house and home. And then 
where will they be at? Answer me that, then where will 
they be at? 

Enter Scuffles from R. He comes down R. 

Scuffles. Maw, what do you think? Queenie Sheba's 
over by the railroad tracks talking to a man. 

Clingie (holding up her hands in horror). My, my, 
my, my ! What on earth is this world coming to ? Talking 
to a man ! 

Mrs. T. Well, I don't know as that's goin' to injure her 
complexion. 

Clingie. Maybe he's one of these here Back Handers 
you hear tell of so much. Maybe he's going to kidnap her 
in a big black bag. If I was you, Mis' Tubbs, I'd go right 
over and see about it. Maybe she's killed stone dead by 
this time. 

Mrs. T. Did he look like a tramp or anything like that, 
Scuffles ? 

Scuffles (seated on bucket dozvn R.). No'm. He was 
all dressed up. 

Clingie. Them's the very worstest kind. 

Scuffles. He was askin' Queenie Sheba questions sum'- 
pin fierce. 

Clingie. Maybe he's a police officer or a detective man. . 
Maybe he's going to arrest us all, though fer what gracious 
only knows! Wouldn't it be jest dreadful if we had to ride 
in the patrol wagon? I'd be perfectly humiliated with mor- 
tification. 

Mrs. T. What kind of questions was he askin* her, 
Scuffles ? 

Scuffles. Oh, all about what her name was, and where 



18 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

she lived, and how many kids there was, and how old we 
was, and where paw was, and how we made our livin' — 

Clingie (rocking down L.). It's a mystery, Mis' Tubbs. 
Mark well my words ; it's a mystery. It'll all come out in 
the papers : A Mystery in Shantytown ! Maybe they'll print 
my picture. Something's going to happen as sure as you're 
born. I can jest feel it in my bones. 

Scuffles. Queenie told him to come over here and ask 
you what he wanted to know. And he's coming. 

Clingie (rising and dropping things). Coming here? 
And me looking like this! Was he a young man, Scurries? 

Scuffles. Kind of young. And he had on awful pretty 
looking clothes. His pants was real tight fittin\ 

Clingie. Why, Scuffles Methusalem Tubbs, I'm morti- 
fied e'en a most to death to hear you use them delicate ex- 
pressions. It ain't ladylike! 

Scuffles. Well, he did. 

Clingie (gathering up her work). Are you sure he's 
coming here? 

Scuffles. He said he was. 

Clingie. I wouldn't let no mortal livin' man see me like 
this, especially a young one. What you reckon I'd better 
costume myself in, Mis' Tubbs? 

Mrs. T. Why, you look real nice just as you are, Clingie. 

Clingie. Why, Mollie Tubbs, how you do talk. This 
ain't my receivin' costume at all. Maybe that man was in- 
quirin' fer me. Maybe he wants to tell me that my fortune 
has come. Kin I borrow your false front fer a minute? 
And the paper rose and the kid gloves? You won't object 
to my wearin' your kid gloves, will you ? I'll take real good 
care of them, and poor dear papaw always used to wear 
kid gloves when we had company. They're so genteel. 

Mrs. T. Put 'em on and welcome. But like as not it's 
only a book agent or a peddler gentleman. (Pushes ironing 
table to rear.) 

Clingie. Oh, thank you. Your generosity is simply un- 
mitigated. I jest couldn't bear to have a young man see me 
like this. I never appear in front of no one unbecomingly 
becostumed. 



MRS. TUBES OF SHANTYTOWN. 19 

Scuffles. Ain't we no one? 

Clingie. Little boys shouldn't have sech sharp ears. Of 
course I meant a man. You entertain him, Mis' Tubbs, 
until I make my toiletty. Poor dear papaw always used 
to be so perticular about his costoom. Why, whenever we 
had visitors papaw always used to dress himself in full 
evening garbage. Where is the false front, Mis' Tubbs? 

Mrs. T. (ironing). Look under the yeller bowl on the 
kitchen shelf. I have to keep it there so as Queenie Sheba 
won't wear it to school. Queenie certainly is proud of her 
maw's false front. 

Clingie. Oh, thank you, Mis' Tubbs. You're an angel of 
gratitude, that's what you are. Is the kid gloves under the 
bowl, too? 

Mrs. T. No. They're in my chest. 

Clingie. In your chest? My, my, my, my! 

Mrs. T. In the top drawer. I'll get 'em for you. And 
the paper rose, too. That'll make you look real skittish. 
(Exits L. followed by Clingie.) 

Scuffles (writing down R.). I can't make no sense out 
of this 'rithmetic. It's sum'pin fierce. 

Enter Queenie from R., escorting Tom and followed by 
Billy and Punky. 

Queenie (taking off hat and hanging it up). This is 
where we live. Come in and be pleased to sit down. Take 
off your coat and I'll hang up your hat. Make yourself right 
at home. 

Tom (gives her his hat). I'll just keep my coat on. You 
see I'm only going to stay a few moments. 

Queenie. Scuffles, take off Punky's hat and help Billy 
Blossom. Now, mister, you can at least sit down. 

Tom (sits at R. and takes out notebook). Thank you. 
You see, I'm the census taker. 

Billy (leans against Tom's knee). Census taker? What's 
that? 

Tom. I've come to take the census. 

Billy. I've got eighteen centses in my little tin bank. I'll " 
bet you ain't goin' to get them. 



20 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Queenie (sitting in rocking chair dozvn L.). Billy Blos- 
som, you hush up. That ain't what he wants. He ain't after 
your money. All he does is to ask questions, and it takes 
sense to answer 'em — so he calls it taking the census. Ain't 
that right, mister? 

Tom. Well, that's as good as anything. (Writes.) First, 
what street is this? 

Scuffles (on bucket dozvn R. with Punky). Street? 
This ain't no street. This is Shantytown. 

Queenie. Why, Scuffles Tubbs, where's your manners? 
(To Tom.) You see every house has its own street down 
here. Some face one way and some another. It makes 
things more sociable than it would if they was all built 
along in a straight row. 

Tom. I see. Well, I'll leave the name of the street blank. 

Queenie. Some folks do call it Shantytown. But I don't. 
Shantytown ain't a very pleasant name, is it? 

Tom. Well, no, it doesn't sound very pleasant. 

Queenie. So I've made up a name of my own. I call it 
Sunshine Town. 

Tom. That's ever so much nicer than Shantytown. Now 
what is your name? 

Queenie. Queenie Sheba Tubbs. It's out of the Scrip- 
ture. She was the lady who came to visit Mr. Solomon. 

Tom. Are you the oldest? 

Queenie. No. Jim's the oldest. 

Billy (loudly). No, he ain't, neither. Maw's the oldest. 
I guess maw is older'n Jim. 

Queenie (points to crayon portrait on wall at L.). That's 
Jim's picture. We're all awful proud of Jim. 

Tom (making notes). What's Jim's name? 

Queenie. James Scotland Tubbs. 

Scuffles. Then there's Magdalena. You're clean for- 
gettin' Magdalena. 

Tom (writing). Magdalena. Is that all, just Magdalena? 

Queenie. No; Magdalena Tubbs, aged sixteen; gone, 
but not forgotten. That's what it says on the stone. 

Tom (scratching out the name). Oh, she's dead, is she? 

Queenie. Yes, sir. Magdalena is in heaven. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 21 

Tom. Where does James Scotland work? 

Queenie. We don't know. Jim ain't here. 

Scuffles.. He's way out west. 

Billy. He runned away. 

Punky. Wunned away. 

Tom (scratching name). Well, how old are you, Queenie 
Sheba? 

Queenie. Twelve, going on thirteen. And I'm in the 
fifth grade. Teacher is Miss Campbell. 

Tom. Miss Campbell? Miss Maydelle Campbell? 

Queenie. Yes, sir; and she's an angel fallen right down 
from the skies. 

Scuffles. You know her, don't you? I seen you out 
walking with her once. • 

Tom. Oh, yes. I know Miss Campbell quite well. 

Queenie. Are you her beau? 

Tom. No, I'm afraid not. You see I'm not rich enough 
to be Miss Campbell's beau. 

Scuffles. She was here this afternoon. She is coming 
back in a few minutes. 

Tom. Coming back here? 

Queenie. Yes, sir. She's over at Flannigan's now. Ain't 
she got the prettiest pink cheeks? And her eyes — 

Tom. Well, who comes next after you, Miss Queenie 
Sheba? 

Queenie. Scuffles is next. 

Tom (turning to Scuffles). And I suppose that this is 
Scuffles ? 

Billy. Yes, sir ; that's Scuffles. 

Tom. What's your name, Scuffles? 

Scuffles. That's it. Jest Scuffles Tubbs. 

Queenie. Oh, Scuffles Tubbs, you know that ain't so. 

Scuffles. 'Tis so. Don't darst to tell him my real name, 
Tomboy ! 

Queenie. Just for that, I will. His name is Methusa- 
lem. 

Tom (whistles in amazement). Methusalem! Good gra- 
cious. 

Scuffles. 'Tain't neither. Honest it ain't, mister. 



22 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Tom. I am sure Methusalem is a very respectable name. 
No need of you being ashamed of it, Scuffles. 

Scuffles. I ain't ashamed of it — only I don't like it. 

Billy. And my name is Billy Blossom Tubbs. (Makes 
low bow.) 

Queenie. And this is the baby. Her name is Victoria 
Hortensia, but we call her Punky Dunks. 

Punky. Dat's me — Punky Dunks. 

Queenie. And Scuffles is 'leven, Billy Blossom's seven, 
and Punky Dunk's goin' on four. 

Enter Mrs. Tubbs from L. Tom rises. 

Mrs. T. (coming down and shaking hands with Tom). 
I hope I didn't keep you waitin' long, but I come as quick 
as I could. I had to hook Clingie up the back and it took a 
right smart spell. Won't you set down and take a seat. 
Queenie, where's your manners? Didn't she ask you to 
take off your coat? I'm surprised at her want of hospiti- 
bility. (Mrs. Tubbs calmly bends rocking chair toward 
audience, letting Queenie slip to floor, and takes her seat. 
Queenie sits on floor.) 

Queenie. I asked him to take off his coat, but he didn't 
want to. 

Mrs. T. Might jest as well be comfortable while you're 
about it. That's my motto : Take your comforts as they 
come and keep a-smilin'. Was you wantin' to see Clingie? 

Tom. I'm taking the census. 

Mrs. T. Ain't that nice now. It must take an awful lot 
of sense to go round and take the census. Plave you taken 
ours yet? 

Tom. This little lady has given me the names of the chil- 
dren. Let me see. I have Queenie Sheba and Methusalem — 

Scuffles. Cut out that Methusalem. I'm Scuffles. 

Tom (laughs). All right. Scuffles and Billy Blossom and 
Victoria Hortensia. Is that all? 

Mrs. T. No. There's Jimmie. 

Tom. But he isn't here. 

Mrs. T. Not for the present. But he's the head of the 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 23 

fam'ly, and we can't leave Jim out. He's away on his va- 
cation. 

Tom. Oh, I see. 

Mrs. T. {proudly). Yes, Jimmie's my first born. There's 
his picture. I ain't heard from him fer goin' onto three 
years now, but he's the head of the f ambly ; so please put 
him down first. Jimmie was always Mr. Tubbs's favorite 
offspring. 

Tom. Mr. Tubbs is — {hesitates) . You're a widow, I be- 
lieve? 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir. Mr. Tubbs is no more, He's gone but 
still unforgotten. He was a real handsome man and a 
member of the Imperial Order of Woodenmen. He's been 
departed for nearly three years now. He had one failin', 
did Mr. Tubbs ; he was always thirsty. I never in all my 
born days saw a man as thirsty as he was. 

Tom. Oh, he was a bibulous person, was he? 

Mrs. T. Bibulous ? Theodore Tubbs, bibulous ? Why, mis- 
ter, that man didn't know no more about the Bible than 
my sister's cat's tail. And what's more, I ain't got no sister. 

Tom. Well {writing), what is your full name? 

Mrs. T. Mrs. Mollie Minerva Pennypacker Tubbs. 

Tom. And what was Mr. Tubbs' full name? 

Mrs. T. His maiden name was Theodore. That's all. 
Jest Theodore Tubbs. 

Tom. And your age, Mrs. Tubbs? 

Mrs. T. That's one thing I ain't ashamed of. I'm goin' 
on forty-eight. 

Tom. Occupation? 

Mrs. T. Widow. 

Tom. I mean your calling. 

Mrs. T. I ain't never been called right strong yet, but 
I've got a leanin' toward the Episcopals. 

Queenie. He means what you do for a livin', ma. 

Mrs. T. Oh, is that it? I'm a laundry lady. 

Tom {zvrttes). Laundress. And does anyone else live 
here? 

Mrs. T. Oh, yes, indeed. I have a lady boarder. She's an 
aristocracy. 



24 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Tom. Indeed. What's her name? 

Mrs. T. If you jest wait a minute she'll be in herself to 
answer your interrogatory. She'd never forgive me if I let 
you go without her getting a look at you. She's now en- 
gaged in making a suitable toiletty. 

Tom. I'm afraid I can't wait very long. You see I'm in 
a hurry. 

Mrs. T. Queenie Sheba, run in and tell Miss Vine that 
the gentleman wants to see her right away this minute. If 
she can't come, tell her he ain't goin' to wait. (Exit 
Queenie L.) 

Tom (ready to write). What's the lady's name? 

Mrs. T. Vine. Clingie Vine. 

Tom (laughs). Well, that's a good one. Of course that's 
not her real name. 

Mrs. T. Yes, it is. I think it's real romantical. And it 
suits her to a t-y, too. You see her maw was a novel read- 
ing lady and had an indisposition toward poetry. That's 
how come her to call her Clingie. The Vine part she inher- 
ited from her paw. 

Tom. Do your children all go to school, Mrs. Tubbs? 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir. All except Punky Dunks . I never seen 
such a school-goer as Queenie Sheba is. She'd go to school 
in the dead of winter, even if she didn't have a shoe to her 
back. She takes after her paw. Mr. Tubbs used to write 
a good deal. 

Tom. Oh, he was a literary person, was he? 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir ; he sure was. I never see a man who 
was more so. Why, he used to litter up the hull household. 

Tom (turns to Billy Blossom). And so you are Mr. 
Billy Blossom? 

Billy. Yes, sir. Do you know what I'm going to do 
when I get big? 

Tom. Why, no. I can't imagine. 

Billy. I'm going to be a census taker. 

Tom (laughs). You are. What for? 

Billy. So as I can go round and give nickels to little 
boys what answers what I ask 'em. (Tom laughs and gives 
him a coin. They converse in pantomime.) 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 25 

Enter Queenie from L. She comes to Mrs. T. and 
speaks in loud whisper. 

Queenie. Maw, Miss Clingie can't find her waterfall. 
And your false front don't match the rest of her hair ; so 
she's got to have something to wear on her head. 

Mrs. T. Tell her to look in the top of my chest and take 
the white lace tidy. And fer pity's sake make her hurry. 
This man ain't goin' to stay here all day. Tell her to get a 
hump on. 

Queenie. She said fer you to entertain him and to offer 
him some light refreshments. 

Mrs. T. I never thought of that. I'll do it. Tell her to 
pin on the tidy and to hurry. {Exit Queenie, L.) Mister, 
I'd like to offer you some light refreshments afore you go. 
Set down and I'll give you a bowl of cold bean soup. You 
like bean soup, don't you? 

Tom (laughs). Oh, yes, indeed. But it's nearly time for 
my supper. If I take a lunch now I'm afraid I'll spoil my 
appetite for supper. Much obliged, just the same. 

Mrs. T. You're perfectly welcome. It's real good soup. 
I made it yesterday and it's flavored with pork. 

Billy. Oh, maw, he gimme a nickel, two of 'em. And 
he give one to Scuffles and one to Punky Dunks. 

Mrs. T. I hope you didn't ask him fer it, Billy Blossom ? 

Billy. No'm. He just gived it his own self. 

Enter Queenie from L. She is very excited. 

Queenie (loudly). She's comin'. Miss Clingie's comin'. 
Mrs. T. (aside to Queenie). Did she find the tidy? 
Queenie. Yes. And she looks like Mary Queen of Scot- 
land in the history book. 

Enter Clingie from left. She walks slowly and with 
dignity. She is dressed in a man's lounging robe, rather 
old but gaudy, and trimmed with lace and many colored 
ribbons. She wears the paper rose, the old kid gloves, the 
false front and the tidy. She comes to Tom and shakes 
hands affectedly. 



26 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Clingie. Delighted, I'm sure. I'm so glad that you have 
arrived. 

Mrs. T. (introducing her with a wave of the hand). 
This is Miss Clingie Vine, my lady boarder. (Mrs. T. is 
seated in rocking chair at L. Scuffles has removed iron- 
ing board from C. and dragged a chair there. Tom stands 
in front of this chair. Clingie at R. C. Queenie seated 
on floor by her mother. Punky in Mrs. T.'s arms. Scuf- 
fles seated down R. on bucket. Billy leaning against 
Tom's chair.) 

Tom. I am pleased to meet you. 

Clingie (simpering). I am pleased, too. What did you 
say your name was? 

Tom (trying not to laugh). It's Riordan. Tom Riordan. 

Clingie. I always did like the name of Tom. My pa- 
paw used to have a lovely cat named Tom. Are you married ? 

Tom. Well, not as yet. 

Clingie. Isn't that interesting? Won't you set down and 
be seated? 

Tom. Thank you, no. I must be going. 

Clingie. So soon? Oh, how very sorrowful. 

Tom (with notebook). I just dropped in to take the 
census. Your name is Miss Vine, I believe? 

Clingie. Yes, Miss Clingie Vine. My maw came from 
one of the old Virginia families. She was a Virginia Hamm. 
And my poor dear papaw was a Vine. I've got real good 
connections. 

Tom. Single? 

Clingie. Who, me ? Yes, sir ; for the present. 

Tom. Age? 

Clingie. Age ? 

Tom. How old are you? 

Clingie. Me? Well. (Pauses.) I'm just a leetle over 
twenty. 

Mrs. T. (coughs significantly) . 

Clingie (looks at Mrs. T., then turns to Tom). Well, 
make it twenty-five. 

Mrs. T. (coughs a little louder). 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 27 

Clingie (annoyed). Maybe I'm a little past twenty-five. 
I'm so forgitful. You might make it thirty. 

Mrs. T. (coughs violently). 

Clingie (angrily). Mollie Tubbs, I won't put another 
year on my age if you cough your head off. I guess I ought 
to know how old I am. It's my own age, ain't it? 

Mrs. T. Excuse me, Clingie. I think I must be gettin' 
the fluenzy. 

Tom (writing). Occupation? 

Clingie. I'm an expecter. 

Tom. An expecter? What's an expecter? 

Mrs. T. She. means she's expectin' some money. Her 
Uncle Timothy died — 

Clingie. I expect to be a lady of fortune and attain- 
ments. It's tied up in the courts. In the meantime, I'm an 
expecter. 

Tom (shuts book). Oh, well. I'm much obliged to all. 
Good-bye. 

Clingie. Oh, you ain't going, are you ? 

Tom. Yes, I've got to be on my way. 

Clingie. Can't we offer you some light refreshment? 

Mrs. T. No, I've done offered him some soup, but he 
didn't want it. (Rap on door at R.) 

Billy. It's the teacher. She said she was comin' back. 

Mrs. T. Open the door, Billy. (Billy opens door at R.) 

■ Enter Miss Campbell from R. She remains near door. 

Miss C Scuffles, do you and Billy want to walk with me 
as far as the street car? (Sees Tom.) Tom! 

Tom (starts toward her). Maydelle! 

Miss C. (recovering her dignity). Why, it's Mr. Rior- 
dan. Good evening. 

Tom (pauses). Good evening, Miss Campbell. 

Mrs. T. (hands Punky to Queenie and rises). This 
gentleman is taking our census, Miss Maydelle. Come in 
and set a spell. 

Miss C. I'm afraid I can't now. It's beginning to rain 
and I must hurry home. May Scuffles and Billy come as 
far as the car? 



28 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Mrs. T. That's all right. Run along. Only, boys, don't 
stop on the way home. There's work to be did and you 
know it. 

Tom. I'm walking over toward the car. Probably you 
will allow me to escort you, Miss Campbell. 

Miss C. Oh, I couldn't think of asking you to put your- 
self out, Mr. Riordan. Scuffles and Billy will see me to the 
car. 

Scuffles. You bet we will. And we don't want no one 
to butt in, neither. (Scowls at Tom.) 

Tom. Perhaps I may be allowed to follow you, Miss 
Campbell ? 

Miss C. I'm sure I couldn't prevent that, Mr. Riordan. 

Mrs. T. All our company seems to be goin' at once. 

Clingie. I can't see why you are in sech a hurry, Mr. 
Riordan. Now you be sure and let me know when you are 
going to call again. (Giggles.) So that I'll be at home,. you 
know. I go out so much. But I'm always at home in the 
evenings, after dark. Specially Thursdays and Sunday 
evenings. 

Tom (after a pronounced pause). Are you? 

Clingie. I always like to see my friends on a Sunday 
evening. Could you come then? Say on next Sunday 
evening. 

Tom. I'm afraid not. I generally go to church on Sun- 
day evening. 

Miss C. Come, boys. We seem to be interrupting a tete- 
a-tete. 

Tom. Just a moment. I'm going now. Good-bye. (Shakes 
hands with Clingie.) 

Miss C. Oh, I don't like to deprive Miss Vine of your 
company. 

Mrs. T. No depravity, no depravity, at all, Miss Camp- 
bell. 

Tom. Good-bye all. (Clingie has not released Tom's 
hand.) 

Clingie. Good-bye. I'll look fer you on Thursday night, 
then, seem' as how you can't come on Sunday. 

Tom. Good-night. (Draws hand away.) 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 29 

Miss C. Good-bye, Mrs. Tubbs and good luck. Good-bye, 
everybody. (Exit R.) 

Scuffles. I choose to walk on her right hand. (Runs 
out R.) 

Billy. No you can't, neither. You did last time. (Runs 
out R.) 

Tom. And I'll be a high private in the rear ranks. (Runs 
out R.) 

Clingie. Ain't he jest grand. Oh, Mollie Tubbs, he's 
made a awful impression on me. 

Mrs. T. Queenie Sheba, you take Punky Dunks and go 
in and start supper. 

Queenie. Yes'm, I'm going. (Exit L. with Punky.) 

Clingie. I wonder if he's got a sweetheart? 

Mrs. T. Now, Clingie, don't get excited. It seemed to 
me that he and the teacher was right good friends. 

Clingie. I'd a took it more kindly if you and the children 
would have cleared out and let him say what he wanted 
to say to me alone. 

Mrs. T. Excuse me, Clingie. I never once thought of it. 

Clingie. That teacher certainly did throw out hints, to 
him. She's the most hintinest girl I ever did see. 

Mrs. T. Maybe he's her beau. (Sits at C.) 

Clingie. The very idea. That's perfectly nonsensical. 
Why, he's older'n she is. Maybe a year or two. (Sits L.) 

Mrs. T. I've seen him escorting her home from school. 

Clingie. Ain't that scandalous? And her a public school 
teacher, too. Pretty goings on, I must say. And right in 
front of the children. I'll bet she's jest a throwing herself 
at his head. 

Mrs. T. Why, Clingie Vine, how you do talk. Miss 
Campbell is a regular fallen saint right from the skies, if 
there ever was one. And she jest naturally analyzes the 
children. 

Clingie. He was a lovely man. I didn't think he looked 
overly strong, did you? 

Mrs. T. He did seem to be a little bit indelicate, but 
maybe that's jest his looks. Mr. Tubbs himself never was 
what you might call fat. 



30 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

.Clingie. And Tom always was a favorite name of mine. 
I certainly am glad that I was becomingly becostumed. I'd a 
died right down dead of mortification if he'd a saw me with 
anything else on instead of my tea gown. Do you think 
he'll come a Thursday night? 

Mrs. T. If he don't, it won't be fer lack of an invitation. 

Clingie. If he does maybe Mis' Skidmore will let me 
wear her new dress. And I'm going to borry Mary Hankses 
purple automobile veil and drape it around my head, and 
maybe Mis' Kerrigan will let me carry her red and green 
parasol. I want to look real fetchin'. 

Enter Mrs. Hickey from R. She has a shawl thrown 
over her head and carries a newspaper -in her hand. She is 
much 



Mrs. H. (coming down R. C.) It's me. 

Mrs. T. Why, Ellen, I'm real glad to see you again. Is 
it rainin' yet? 

Mrs. H. Yes. 

Mrs. T. You jest take off your shawl and set down and 
have supper with us. We're going to have bean soup and 
prunes. (Rises.) 

Mrs. H. Oh, I couldn't eat. Oh, Mis' Tubbs, that I 
should be the bearer of bad news. Dear Mis' Tubbs, are 
you strong enough to bear it? (Comes close to Mrs. T.) 

Clingie. Oh, I'm goin' to faint, I'm goin' to faint. 

Mrs. T. What's the trouble, Ellen Hickey. Tell me at 
once. Don't keep me in suspense. 

Mrs. H. Your boy— 

Clingie (zvringing her hands). Oh, somebody's dead. 
Billy Blossom and Scuffles has got drowned. I know it. I 
know it. (Rises.) 

Mrs. H. Hush up, Clingie Vine. It ain't Billy Blossom 
or Scuffles. 

Mrs. T. Then it's Jimmie. What's happened to him? 

Clingie. She's going to have hysterics. Wait till I get 
the camp-fire. Don't tell her till I git it. (Exit L.) 



Mrs. 


T. 


Mrs. 


H. 


Mrs. 


T. 


Mrs. 


H. 


ays. 
Mrs. 


T. 


Mrs. 


H. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 31 

Mrs. H. My man read it in the paper to me. It's about 
Jimmie. (Hands clasped, aspirate voice.) 
Mrs. T. Not dead? My Jim ain't dead? 
Mrs. H. No. Here is the paper. Read it yourself. 
You read it to me. I'm so excited. 
"Concordia, Kansas." 
Where's that at? 
Way off. Out of the state. It's an awful long 

T. Go on. Go on. 

"An unknown young man was knocked down 
and probably fatally injured by the Fire Chief's buggy yes- 
terday afternoon. Flis skull was crushed and there is but 
little hope for his recovery. Letters in his pocket and pa- 
pers show the stranger's name to be James Tubbs— " 

Mrs. T. Oh, my Jim, my Jim. 

Mrs. H. (reading). "But no such name appears in the 
city directory and no one has recognized him. His death 
is expected at any minute." 

Enter Clingie with bottle. 

Clingie. I couldn't find the camp-fire, but yere's some 
cough medicine. Jest smell of that. 

Mrs. T. I got to go. (Exit L.) 

Clingie. Oh, my, what is it? 

Mrs. H. Jimmie's nearly dead in Concordia. 

Clingie (sinks in chair at L.). Oh, I'm real fainty. 
(Fans herself feebly.) 

Enter Mrs. T. with hat, cloak and old valise. She is fol- 
lozved by Queenie. 

Queenie. Oh, maw, where you goin' ? I want to go, too. 

Clingie. Don't let her go. It's rainin' and she'll ketch 
her death. Where you aimin' to go? (At L.) 

Mrs. T. (loudly). I'm goin' to my boy. (At C.) 

Mrs. H. You ain't never goin' way to Kansas? (At R.) 

Clingie. Oh, it's a awful long ways. 

Mrs. T. There ain't no way too long for a mother's love. 
I'm a goin' to my boy. 

Mrs. H. Have you got money enough? 



32 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Mrs. T. I've taken it all. The Lord'll pervide. I got to 
get there before it's too late. 

Clingie. But how'll you ever find the place? 

Mrs. T. Let me have that paper, Mis' Hickey. Seems 
like I can hear him callin' to me. Callin' to his mother. 
Take care of the children, Queenie Sheba. I'm going to my 
boy. (This last loud and dramatic. She exits R. Clingie, 
Mrs. H. and Queenie stand at door R. looking after her.) 

Curtain. 



Act II. 

Same scene as Act I. Lamp lighted on table dozvn L, 

Clingie discovered at table down L. sewing gaudy flow- 
ers in a boudoir cap. She hums a little song, holds cap off 
at arm's length and smiles as if well pleased. 

Enter Mrs. H. after a pause. 

Mrs. H. (coming down R and sitting on bucket). Even- 
ing, Clingie. 

Clingie. Evening, Mis' Hickey. 

Mrs. H. Where's Mis' Tubbs? 

Clingie. Her an' Queenie Sheba doin' up the supper 
dishes. It certainly is a comfort to have her back home. 
If she hadn't a got home yesterday, I was prepared to do 
something desperate, elope or run away or something like 
that. I never was no hand to manage children. 

Mrs. H. And it turned out that that sick young man 
wasn't her Jimmie at all. 

Clingie. No, he wasn't her Jimmie. And she spent all 
of that money fer nothin'. It's too bad it wasn't her Jim, 
then she'd a got some return for her money, even if the 
young man did die. 

Mrs. H. Why, Clingie Vine, how you do talk I'll bet 
a doughnut that Mis' Tubbs don't begrudge a cent of that 
money, jest fer the joy of findin' out that it wasn't her Jim 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 33 

who died. We ought to be thankful fer small mercies, as 
Lorenzo Puddle said when the lightning missed his wife 
and struck her mother. 

Enter Mrs. T. from L. 

Mrs. T. {meeting Mrs. H. at C. They shake hands). 
Why, Ellen Hickey, I certainly am overjoyed at seeing you 
again. It seems as if I've been away from Shantytown for 
years and years, instead of only a month. 

Mrs. H. (resuming her seat at R. Mrs. T. sits C). Mol- 
lie Tubbs, I can't never fergive myself until my dyin' day, 
for sending you clean out to Concordia on sech a wild- 
goose chase. 

Mrs. T. Don't you worry about it, Ellen. I got there 
just in time to see that it wasn't my Jim. All the way out 
I was skeerd that I might be too late; but when I found 
that it wasn't James Scotland, you'll never know what my 
feelings was. I was real sorry for the poor crushed boy. 
I nursed him over a week, but it wasn't no use. He died. 
And maybe some poor mother is waiting fer him to come 
home this very night, jest like I'm waitin' fer my Jim. Only 
she'll wait in vain. 

Mrs. H. It must have cost an awful lot of money to go 
way out there. 

Mrs. T. It did. I won't never get cotched up with the 
rent money till next January. It took every cent I had. 
But I certainly did have a lovely time on my return. I 
crossed over mountains and over rivers and went through 
long black funnels, that would have made you think your 
last day had come. And I went around curves and seen 
sights I never expected to have saw this side of River 
Jerden. I've always wanted to be a traveled lady, and now 
I've done it. 

Clingie. Didn't go anywheres near Virginia, did you? 
That's a perfectly lovely estate. My maw's folks come from 
Virginia, Mis' Hickey. My maw was a Virginia Hamm. 

Mrs. T. I don't believe I saw no town called Virginia, 
but I seen the Ozark Mountains with the sun comin' up 



34 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWR 

red and blushing rosy behind the hills. It clean took my 
breath away, it was that grand. 

Clingie. You certainly are lucky that that boy wasn't 
your Jimmie. Still he might be dead and buried fer all you 
know. 

Mrs. H. Why, Clingie Vine, how you do talk. He ain't 
neither, Mis' Tubbs. Like as not he's got a' good job some- 
wheres and will come home rich and mighty and surprise 
the whole of Shantytown. 

Mrs. T. (sewing on boy's rompers). Jimmie will come 
home some day. At least I hope he will, and I trust. And 
when a person hopes and trusts fer a thing they ginerally 
git it. Everything is bound to come out right some time. 
We may not see it at first, but a Power that is greater than 
we holds us* in the hollow of His hand, and that Power is 
All-Lovin', so things is jest naturally bound to turn out 
right. Leastwise I ain't goin' to worry. There ain't a bit 
of use in h'istin' your umbrella until it begins to rain. 

Mrs. H. Gracious, I wish I could be as cheerful as you 
be, Mis' Tubbs. I try and try and try, but the blues will 
come. 

Mrs. T. Maybe it's because you're trying so hard. I 
don't ever try to be cheerful. I jest do what I have to do 
and make the best of it. If I've got something to do that 
I don't like I jest smile or whistle or sing, and when the 
blues hears me a singin' they jest naturally git so skeerd 
that they don't dast to come a-nigh. Mr. Tubbs used to 
say that my voice would scare anything, so I've tried to 
make it scare the blues. 

Mrs. H. What's that you're making, Clingie? It's awful 
pretty. Is it a nightcap? 

Clingie (holds it up). A nightcap? Of course not. It's 
a opery cap. To wear when you go to the opery. It's part 
of my weddin' laundry. 

Mrs. H. Your weddin' laundry? What's a weddin' 
laundry? 

Clingie (importantly). The lace and fluffy things a 
bride has is called her laundry. 

Mrs. H. Oh, are you goin' to be a bride soon, Clingie? 



1 



MRS. TUBES OF SHANTYTOWN. 35 

Clingie (simpering). Oh, there I've done gone and told 
my secret. 

Mrs. H. And who's the lucky man? Fur be it from me 
from sayin' a word to anybody. If there's one thing I do 
know, it's to keep my mouth shet. 

Clingie (hesitates). Well, I haven't decided on who the 
man is to be, yet. 

Mrs. H. It ain't Simon Rubbels, is it? 

Clingie. Now, Mis' Hickey, how you do talk. What 
makes you think it's Mr. Rubbels? 

Mrs. H. He can't afford to hire a hired girl, he says, so 
he's been huntin' fer a wife for quite a spell. Ever since 
the third Mrs. Rubbels was taken from him. 

Clingie. I think he's a perfectly lovely man, don't you? 

Mrs. H. Clingie Vine, mark well my words. Fur be it 
from me from insinuating, but if ever there was a human 
boa-constrictor, it's Simon Rubbels. 

Clingie. Why, Mis' Hickey! 

Mrs. H. The woman that marries him will regret it to 
her dyin' day. 

Clingie. He's got a lot of money, ain't he? 

Mrs. H. So folks say, but you take my word fer it, his 
wife will never see a cent of it that she don't earn twenty 
times over. 

Clingie. It won't be that way if she knows how to man- 
age him. 

Mrs. H. As fer me, I wouldn't run the risk. It ain't likely 
that Simon Rubbels would buy you a thing. He's lookin' 
fer a woman to cook fer him and to wash fer him and to 
iron fer him and to tend the house fer him, to mend his 
clothes and bake and keep a garden fer him, to raise his 
hens and gather his eggs and milk his cows and feed his 
pigs. And in her spare time he'll want her to tend to his 
grocery store while he goes all over Shantytown collecting 
his rents. That's the kind of a woman he's looking for. 
And he won't pay her a cent of wages. He'll buy a weddin' 
license fer a dollar, stand the preacher off fer his pay, and 
think that he's done all that is necessary. If I was a widder 



36 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

and he'd come after me I'd scald him plum baldheaded with 
a bucket of scalding suds; and that certainly is the truth. 

Enter Queenie from R. with basket. 

Mrs. T. Queenie, did you get them salt mackerel for 
breakfast? 

Queenie. Yes'm. They're in the basket. Mr. Rubbels 
told me to ask you if you was goin' to be at home this 
evening. He said he was going to drop by fer a spell. 

Mrs. H. {rises). Simon Rubbels coming here? What 
did I tell you? Clingie Vine, mark well my words. He's 
after a wife. And you take the advice of one who wishes 
you well. If he says matrimony to you, you say scat to him, 
quicker'n Jack Robinson, or you'll regret it until your born 
day. 

Clingie (rises). Oh, Mis' Hickey, how you do talk. 
'Tain't likely he's comin' over with no matrimonial inten- 
tions, nohow. 

Mrs. H. (crossing to door at R., turns). Fur be it from 
me from sayin' a word again any living mortal man, but 
if Simon Rubbels ain't a red-headed hippopotamus, there 
never was one on this here green earth. (Exits R.) 

Clingie. I'm going to put on my pink waist with the 
red bgws. How do you think I look this evening, Mis' 
Tubbs? (Funny pose.) 

Mrs. T. Jest as fine as silk, Clingie. Ain't many ladies 
of your age that looks as nice and girlish as you do. 

Clingie. I hope I ain't got too much color in my face. 
I always look best when I'm kind of pale. And a subdued 
light is very becoming to me. In fact the more subdued it 
is, the more becominger it is. I must go in now and make 
a more engaging toiletty. (Exit L.) 

Queenie. Maw, is Mr. Rubbels going to get married 
with her? 

Mrs. T. Maybe he is, Queenie. Folks say as how he 
wants a wife real bad. 

Queenie. Yes'm. And folks say that Mis' Clingie wants 
a husband just as bad. 



MRS. TUBES OF SHANTYTOWN. 37 

Enter Scuffles and Punky from L. 

Scuffles. We've got all the supper dishes washed and 
wiped. 

Mrs. T. Ain't that nice, now? Scuffles Tubbs, when you 
grow up you'll jest make a fine husband. 

Queenie. When he grows up, he's going to marry El- 
mira Hickey. 

Scuffles. I ain't neither. And even if I am, it ain't you, 
is it? 

Enter Billy and Elmira from R. 

Billy (coming down R. C). Maw, the teacher is over 
at Mis' Hickey's. 

Elmira (goes to Queenie down R.). And she's coming 
over here in a minute. 

Billy. And her beau is over by the railroad tracks. 

Scuffles (down L. with Punky). Her beau? Who is 
her beau? Do you mean that old census taker? 

Billy. Maw, can't we have some singin' ? Sing us 'bout 
the ghostesses. 

Queenie. Yes, about Robert Lerow and his Dilla." 

Mrs. T. All right, Robert and His Dilla it is. 

(Song introduced, "Robert Lerow and His Dilla" (See 
page 38.) Mrs. T. sings first verse, then the children may 
take turn about singing the other verses, or one good singer 
may alternate with Mrs. T. All join in the chorus. Sing 
the song with much vim and with appropriate gestures. 
Keep time with their feet on chorus.) 

Billy (at conclusion of song). Now, maw, let's play 
menagerie. 

Mrs. T. All right. Where's the animals? 

Scuffles (getting under table with Punky). Here's the 
old lion and his little baby wife. (Roars.) Oh, ooh! 

Queenie. I'm the tiger-cat. (Places chair on floor and 
gets behind it.) Now, I'm in my den. Me-ow, me-ow. 
Come on, Elmira, you be a tiger-cat, too. 

Elmira (getting behind chair like Queenie). No, I'm a 
great big snake. Hiss! hiss! (All imitate their sounds.) 



38 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN 



Robert Lerow and His Dilla. 



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, One day as young Robert was walk-ing His love cold in 

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MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 



39 



Robert Lerow and His Dilla. 

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40 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Mrs. T. Billy Blossom, what are you? 

Billy. I'm the trained mule. And my name is Maud. 
Hee-haw. 

Mrs. T. Ladies and gents, I'm going to interduce to you 
our great menagerie. We have here the biggest, and grandest 
lion ever seen in captivity. His roar is terrible and his 
mane is long. He's a real nice lion, but he certainly does 
hate to carry in the wood to get supper. And you orter see 
him eat. This here lion can eat more bean soup than any 
other lion you ever heard tell of. And in the cage with him, 
you behold Punky Dunks, the littlest lady lion that I ever 
see, and the sweetest. They will now roar for you together. 
(Scuffles and Punky roar and shake heads a la lion.) 
In this next cage, ladies and gents, I have a tiger-cat who 
can purr and me-ow as natural as life. She's a powerful 
good tiger-cat generally, but she is so vain that she wants 
her maw to curl her hair every Sunday morning to go to 
Sunday School. Sister Tiger-cat, see if you can't me-ow 
a little for us. (Queenie me-ows.) And this here is great, 
big, long boy-constrictor of a snake. She can hiss and curl 
all around. She lives in a great big tree called the Hickey 
House and her name is Elmira, the boy-constrictor. She 
will now hiss obligingly and twist herself for your benefit. 
(Elmira does so.) 

Enter Tom. He stands at rear unobserved, watching the 
scene. 

Billy, And I'm Maud the mule. Don't fergit me maw. 

Mrs. T. And here we have little Maud, the educated 
mule, who sings real sweet when she is pleased, but kicks 
real hard when she ain't. I will now lead the hull menagerie 
in singing the first verse of Yankee Doodle. 

(Mrs. T. sings first verse and chorus of Yankee Doodle, 
all join in, Scuffles roaring, Queenie imitating cat, El- 
mira hissing and Billy braying. When the noise is at its 
height, Mrs. T. turns and sees Tom.) 

Mrs. T. Well, if it ain't the census gentleman. Come in 
and see the menagerie. We having a high jinks. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 41 

Tom. You all certainly appear happy. 

Mrs. T. Well, I guess we are. It takes poor folks to 
have the good times. Rich folks is always afraid of their 
furniture and their clothes. 

Tom (comes down C). Don't let me interrupt you. 

Mrs. T. Oh, you ain't. Queenie, turn a chair for Mr. 
Riordan. 

Tom (sitting C). Thank you. 

Billy (coming and leaning against his knee). Teacher is 
over at Mis' Hickey's. 

Scuffles (taking Punky and sitting down L.). Seems 
like every time the teacher comes visiting to Shantytown, 
that we've got to have our census took. 

Tom. Mrs. Tubbs, I'm your friend for life. Maydelle has 
told me all about her talk with you. It worked. I want you 
to know how grateful I am to you. 

Mrs. T. Then it's all right, is it? You two have made 
it up? 

Tom. Yes, indeed. And it's all owing to you. 

Mrs. T. You certainly are getting a prize. Miss Camp- 
bell is a queen among women. 

Queenie (comes to Tom). Shake, mister, shake. But 
please don't marry with teacher until school it out. I want 
Miss Maydelle until the end of the term. 

Tom. That will be all right. She wouldn't think of leav- 
ing you until school ends. 

Scuffles. I don't see why you couldn't leave her alone. 
I was going to marry her myself, when I got big enough. 
And now you got to come buttin' in. 

Tom. I'll tell you what I'll do, Scuffles. If ever Miss 
Maydelle needs a second husband, I'll recommend you. 

Scuffles (brightening tip). Will you, honest? 

Tom (seriously). Yes, I will. Honest. 

Scuffles (crosses to him). All right, then. Shake. She's 
a peach all right. 

Tom. You bet she is. (Scuffles returns and sits at R.) 

Billy. I'll shake hands, too. 

Tom. Well, if it ain't my old friend, Mr. Billy Blossom. 



42 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Billy. Do you remember that time that you gave me two 
nickels. 

Tom. Yes, I remember. 

Billy. Ain't nobody ever give me two nickels since then. 

Tom. Well, let me see what I've got. (Opens purse.) 
Isn't that funny now? I've got a nickel for each of you. 
One for Queenie Sheba, one for Miss Maydelle's second 
husband, Scuffles, one for Billy Blossom and one for Miss 
Punky Dunks. (Sees Elmira standing up L.) Hello, there's 
another little girl. You haven't got a new little sister, have 
you? 

Scuffles. No. That's my girl. She's Elmira Hickey. 

Tom. And here's a nickel for Miss Elmira Hickey. 

Mrs. T. (down L.). Why, Mr. Riordan, ain't you liberal, 
givin' all that money away. Children, you shouldn't be so 
insinuating. 

Elmira. Now, jest fer my nickel, I'll call the teacher. 
She's over at maw's. 

Tom. All right. 

Elmira (goes to door at R. and yells). Teacher, teacher, 
your beau has come. 

Mrs. T. Hush up, you, Elmira. Go over and whisper to 
her. Sech things ain't to be yelled out to the hull neighbor- 
hood. 

Elmira. Yes'm. (Exits R.) 

Enter Clingie from L. 

Clingie. My, my, my, my! If it ain't Mr. Riordan, come 
to see me. (Shakes hands.) I'm simply overcome to see 
you. Why ain't you called on me before? 

Queenie (loudly). He didn't have time. He's been get- 
ting engaged to the teacher. 

Clingie. Getting engaged? Queenie Sheba, how can you 
talk so indelicately? 

Queenie. Well, he has. 

Clingie. To that young girl? Why, I certainly am over- 
filled with surprise at you, Mr. Riordan. She's so young 
and inexperienced. I should have thought you'd choose a 
older and more settled young lady. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 43 

Tom. Oh, Miss Campbell will get older and more settled 
if we give her time. And then I don't think I want anyone 
older. Miss Campbell is the only girl in the world for me. 

Clingie. Mush! (Crosses to door at L. 3 turns and says 
loudly.) Mush! Well,' as far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't 
run after a man, if I never got one. (Exit L.) 

Mrs. T. You mustn't be offended at Clingie, Mr. Rior- 
dan. She means well, but she is kinda disappointed, you 
might say. 

Enter Elmira from L. with Miss Campbell. 

Miss C. May I come in? 

Mrs. T. Come in, and you're as welcome as the violets 
in Springtime. 

Miss C. (shakes hands with her). Dear Mrs. Tubbs. 

Queenie. He's here, Miss Maydelle. We're gettin' our 
census took again. 

Miss C. (feigned surprise). Why, Mr. Riordan! 

Billy. Oh, you knowed he was going to be here. ■ 

Miss C. (laughs). You can't fool Billy. It's all right, 
Mrs. Tubbs, and I'm the happiest girl in the world. 

Mrs. T. Take off your things and make yourself right at 
home. 
. Miss C. Oh, I couldn't do that. I haven't had supper yet. 

Mrs. T. Queenie Sheba, go in and see if Miss Clingie 
left any of them pork and greens. (Exit Queenie, L.) 

Miss C. We must be going. It's gettmg so late. And 
we're going to invite all of you to the wedding. Ready, 
Tom? 

Tom. All ready. 

Mrs. T. (crossing to door R. with them). You certainly 
do make a lovely lookin' couple. I'll bake you a cake for the 
weddin' as sure as my name is Tubbs. 

Miss C. You are the salt of the earth. Good-bye. 

All. Good-bye. 

Tom. Good-bye. (Exits R., escorting Miss C.) 

Mrs. T. (coming down C. briskly). Now we've had com- 
pany and had a song and a menagerie. I guess it's time to 
do a little ironin'. 



44 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Scuffles. My, it seems we don't do nothin' but work. 
(Exit Elm ira, R.) 

Mrs. T. That's the reason we're so happy. Folks who's 
got plenty to do, and who does it, don't never have no time to 
get the blues. Now, Scuffles, you and Billy Blossom fix the 
ironin' board for me and I'll have Mis' Doompenstein's 
clothes done in half an hour. 

Enter Clingie from R. 

Clingie (coming down L. and sitting in rocker). Has 
that census taker gone yet? 
' Mrs. T. Yes, he went 

Clingie. I think he was awful fresh. Some people is too 
smart to live. I'm glad Mr. Rubbels ain't so awful fresh. 
He's real mannish, if he is stingy. I jest hate boys. 

Mrs. T. Now, Clingie Vine, if Mr. Rubbels does come 
over tonight, don't you do anything rash. Everyone says that 
man is closter than fleas on a dog's back. You hesitate and 
ponder -well before you consent to become Mrs. Rubbels 
Number Four. 

Clingie. I do declare. Everyone seems to think he is 
going to pop the question. Maybe he ain't got no such in- 
tentions — at present. But sometimes I do get powerful tired 
of being a lady boarder. It would be mighty comforting to 
have a home of my own. I wonder if he would buy me a 
new white dress with orange rosettes? Them's all the style 
now. 

Mrs. T. (calls). Queenie Sheba, fetch me a hot iron. 

Queenie (outside L.). Yes'm. 

Enter Queenie with iron. Assists Mrs. T. with ironing at C. 

Mrs. T. (to Clingie). It ain't likely Mr. Rubbels would 
buy you a single thing. 

Clingie. I don't care. If I married him I jest know I 
could manage him. Why, if I was Simon Rubbels' wife, I'd 
be the society leader of Shantytown. Mollie Tubbs, my time 
has come/ My fate is approaching. I'm going to marry that 
man or bust. 

Mrs. T. But suppose he don't ask you. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 45 

Clingie. Oh, I'll make him ask me all right. I paid ten 
cents to the book store and got a book called How to be 
Fascinating to the Men. It tells about some ladies named 
Sirens. They used to set on rocks combing their lovely hair 
and luring sailor men to destruction. I'm' going to be a siren 
to Mr. Rubbels and lead him to a proposal. 

Mrs. T. (horrified). Why, Clingie Vine, I'm most 
shocked to death. You ain't a going to comb your hair in 
front of Mr. Rubbels, are you? 

Clingie. No, I ain't going that far. But I'm going to 
sing to him. I'm going to be a siren thataway. 

Mrs. T. You hark to my advice and don't do it. Simon 
Rubbels wouldn't recognize a siren if he found her floating 
around in his bean soup. You jest be your natural self, and 
then if he wants to pop, he'll pop. But if he don't, all the 
sirens and sardines in creation won't make him. 

Clingie. But anyhow I ought to sing to him. The book 
says so. Something sweet like that song that goes "I'm 
you're sweetheart and you're my beau." Don't you think 
that might do some good? 

Mrs. T. No, I don't. If you want to win Simon Rubbels, 
don't sing to him. Cook for him. That'll win his heart 
quicker'n any siren business. 

Clingie. But the book says the men used to be plum 
crazy after them sirens. 

Mrs. T. Times is changed. Men don't want no hair- 
combin', sOng-singin' sirens nowdays. They want cooks and 
hired girls. 

Clingie. I wonder if he really is coming over? 

Mrs. T. Of course he is. He wouldn't have said so un- 
less he was. Simon don't waste no unnecessary words. He 
don't waste nothin'. 

Clingie. I think I'll carry a red rose in my hand. It'll 
make me look so poetical. I got a red one from my old sum- 
mer hat. 

Mrs. T. You can wear the kid gloves if you want 'em. 
They're in the chest. 

Clingie. I hope he won't beat around the bush. I'm so 
nervous. I hope he'll get het up to the popping point right 



46 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

away. Do you think I ought to act coy and girlish or shy 
and timid. 

Mrs. T. Jest be economical and active. That's what he 
wants in a wife. Economy and work. 

Clingie. I wonder what time it is. (Rises.) I'm so 
nervous. I've never had a marriage proposal before. Don't 
forget to call me as soon as he sets foot in the house. 
(Exit L.) 

Mrs. T. Get me another hot iron, Queenie. (Queenie 
exits L.) Did you take Mis' Warren's wash home, Scuffles? 

Scuffles. Yes'm. Here's the money. (Gives coin.) She 
said she'd pay fifty cents this week, but that she wouldn't 
do it again. She said you ought, only to charge a quarter. 

Mrs. T. A quarter? Fer thirty-six pieces and me fur- 
nishin' the soap, starch and bluin'. I can't afford to do it. 

Enter Queenie from L. with iron. 

Scuffles. And Miss Moccabee don't want me to come 
for hers no more. She says she's going to get it did at the 
New Laundry. 

Mrs. T. I dunno what's going to become of us, every- 
one is so took with the New Laundry. And me spendin' 
every red cent for my trip to Kansas. Do you know I 
won't be able to pay the rent fer quite a spell. Do you 
think Mr. Rubbels will trust me? 

Scuffles. He'd better, or I won't allow him to marry 
Miss Clingie. 

Queenie. Mis' McCuddy said she was goin' to send her 
wash to the New Laundry, cause they do family work at 
reduced rates. 

Mrs. T. Well, maybe if the worse comes to worst I can 
get a job down there. There's never no loss without some 
gain. I found that out when a hunk of wood I was choppin' 
flew up and knocked out my front tooth. 

Queenie. Seems like that was all loss and no gain. 

Mrs. T. Not a bit of it. I can bite buttonholes now jest 
as natural as life. 

Billy (who has been standing near door R.). Maw, 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 47 

somebody's comin' in the gate. {Peeks out of door.) It's 
Mr. Rubbels. 

Mrs. T. And jest look at this house. I don't want him 
to think we work all the time. {Flies around.) Queenie 
and Scuffles, put away that ironin' out of sight. Billy Blos- 
som, tell Miss Clingie her beau has came. {Exit Billy at 
L.) Put that ironin' board away, Scuffles. Gather them 
clothes and throw them in the basket, Queenie. Now carry 
it in the kitchen. {Exit Queenie, L., with basket of 
clothes.) Scuffles, take Punky Dunks in, and all you chil- 
dren git ready for bed. {Has been running around with hot 
iron in her hand. She puts it on chair at R. and runs up 
and opens door at L.) 

Enter Mr. Rubbels, dressed in an old-fashioned suit, old 
overcoat, red muffler, mittens and hat. 

Mr. R. I thought I was never goin' to be let in, and it's 
gettin' colder and colder every minute. 

Mrs. T. Oh, excuse me. I was jest sending the children 
to bed. Do come in and take off your things and set. 

Mr. R. {removing coat, muffler and hat). It's goin' to 
snow before mornin'. I never was so cold in my life. The 
wind's from the north. 

Mrs. T. Is it? That means rain, don't it? 

Mr. R. No, it don't. It means ice, cold and winter and 
coal bills to pay. That's what it means. I hate winter. 
Costs so much to keep warm. 

Mrs. T. Set down and I'll call Clingie. 

Mr. R. It's colder'n blazes in this house. {Sits L. on 
iron.) Ouch! {Screams and jumps up.) 

Mrs. T. Oh, dear me, you must a set on the flatiron. 
Was it hot? 

Mr. R. Hot? I should say it was. What you tryin' to do? 
Burn me to death? 

Mrs. T. Oh, I'm so sorry. Give it to me. {Puts it on 
table.) 

Mr. R. You must have been ironin' late. 

Mrs. T. {standing R. of table). Yes. I had some extry 
work to do. On account of my trip to Kansas. 



48 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Mr. R. (admiringly). You're a great hand at working. 
Ain't a woman in Shantytown kin do as much work in as 
little time as you kin. (Crosses to table.) That's what I like 
about you. My feelings is real friendly and I want you to 
know it. (Loudly.) My feelings — (brings his hand down 
on iron.) Ouch! (Screams.) Say, for goodness sakes, 
take that flatiron to the kitchen before I burn myself to a 
cinder. 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir. (Takes iron and crosses to L.) I'll 
send Clingie right in. (Exits L.) 

Mr. R. I don't want no Clingie. What's she think I want 
with that old, maid? 

Enter Clingie from L. She poses at door and looks at 
Mr. R. sentimentally. 

Clingie. If it ain't Mr. Rubbels ! I'm so delighted to see 
you, Simon. You ain't never called on me before and I'm 
so lonesome here. (Crosses to him and shakes hands, re- 
taining his hand.) You're looking awful well, Mr. Rubbels. 

Mr. R. Think so ? Well, I ain't f eelin' as good as I look. 
(Tries to disengage his hand.) 

Clingie. Why don't you come over and see me oftener? 
You must be awful lonesome livin' all by yourself. It must 
be real dreadful to be a widder man like you are, without 
a kith or a kin in the whole world. 

Mr. R. (trying to withdraw hand). Say, that's my hand. 
Ain't you done shakin' it yet? 

Clingie. Oh, I beg your pardon. I'm so forgetful. Now 
set down right here by me and let's be real cosy. 

Mr. R. (sits R. wth Clingie. He is uncomfortable.) 
Where's Mis' Tubbs? 

Clingie. She's puttin' the children to bed. She won't 
come in to disturb us. We're all alone, jest you and me. 
And ain't it comfortable? 

Mr. R. No, it ain't. It's colder'n blue blazes. 

Clingie. Maybe I can poke up the fire. It's in the 
kitchen. 

Mr. R. How long has Mis' Tubbs been back from 
Kansas ? 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 49 

Clingie. She got back today. It wasn't her Jimmie at 
all. It was another James Tubbs who was injured. 

Mr. R. And so she spent all that money fer nothin'? 

Clingie. Yes. Ain't it awful? And she can't afford it, 
neither. Since the New Laundry started she can't hardly 
make both ends meet. 

Mr. R. I wonder if she's ever thought about gettin' 
married ? 

Clingie. Oh, no. She wouldn't marry the best man liv- 
ing. She's too old. She ain't like me. Now I was just cut 
out to be a married lady. 

Mr. R. Oh, you was, was you? 

Clingie. Yes, sir. I git so lonesome jest bein' a lady 
boarder. And then I've got some money coming to me. It's 
in the courts. 

Mr. R. How much? 

Clingie. Oh, I don't know. My uncle left it to me. But 
somebody tried to break the will and there is no tellin' when 
it will come. In the meanwhile I'm jest expectin'. 

Mr. R. You'll never get a cent of it. When the lawyers 
git through with a case they gobble up every cent. But I 
wonder why Mis' Tubbs don't come. 

Clingie. What do you want her to come fer? Ain't you 
comfortable ? 

Mr. R. I come over to see her. I want to ask her — 

Clingie. To see her? To see Mis' Tubbs? 

Mr. R. Yes, to see Mis' Tubbs. What did you think I 
come fer? To see you? 

Clingie. I thought you wanted to marry me. 

Mr. R. What! {Jumping up.) Not on your life. I don't 
want no old maid like you. I want to git married with Mis' 
Tubbs. 

Clingie (rises). Old maid! Old maid! Oh, I'm going to 
faint. Never in all my life before have I been insulted. 
And by you, too, the meanest, ugliest old miser in the whole 
town. Old maid ! I'm a goin' to sue you fer slanderosity, 
Simon Rubbels, if it's my last act. Old maid ! I got a notion 
to scratch your ugly old face. (Starts toward him.) 



50 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Mr. R. {backing away to C). Mis' Tubbs, Mis' Tubbs! 
(Loudly.) 

Enter Mrs. T. from L. She comes down C. 

Mrs. T. My goodness gracious, what's the matter? 
What's ailing you, Mr. Rubbels? Are you sick? Clingie, 
what's the matter? 

Clingie (loudly). You'd better ask him what's the mat- 
ter. He's a human hippopotamus, if there ever was such a 
thing. Mis' Hickey was right. He's a criminal. (Crosses 
to door L.) Oh, would that I had never seen his face 
(weeps), would that I had never seen his face. (Exits L., 
weeping. ) 

Mr. R. What's the matter with that woman? Is she 
crazy ? 

Mrs. T. No, she ain't. She's as nice a girl as ever lived. 
What you been saying to her? 

Mr. R. You'd better ask what she's been sayin' to me. 
She wanted me to marry her. 

Mrs. T. Well, that's what you came over fer, ain't it? 

Mr. R. No, it ain't. Not by a long chalk. I come over to 
visit you, not her. Why, I wouldn't marry her if she was 
the only woman on earth. 

Mrs. T. I'm afraid Clingie misunderstood you. 

Mr. R. (sits L.). Yes, I'm afraid she did. 

Mrs. T. I'd better go and see if I can help her. 

Mr. R. Oh, she'll get over it in a minute. Set down. I 
want to talk to you. 

Mrs. T. (sits C). Why, you didn't come over to pop the 
question to me, did you ? 

Mr. R. Yes, I did. I'm a man of few words, Mis' Tubbs. 
Now short, sweet and to the point, will you marry me? 

Mrs. T. Short, sweet and to the point — I will not. 

Mr. R. But, Mis' Tubbs— 

Mrs. T. I'm right sorry to have to decline your question, 
Mr. Rubbels ; but all my love that ain't buried in the grave 
with the late Mr. Tubbs, is taken up with my children. 

Mr. R. But I'd make you a real good husband. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 51 

Mrs. T. I don't doubt it, the least in the world. But my. 
first match was a love match, and it's bound to be my last. 

Mr. R. But I got money, Mis' Tubbs. More'n anybody 
else in this part of town. I'll buy you a silk dress. If you 
marry me, you can have the desires of your heart. 

Mrs. T. Oh, if I only could. My first desire would be 
to have my wanderin' boy Jimmie back home again. You 
couldn't give me that! 

Mr. R. Maybe not. But I got money and could give you 
a good home. You've had a hard time of it since Mr. Tubbs 
died, and you're havin' a harder time than ever since the 
New Laundry opened. It ain't no picnic to support four 
children. 

Mrs. T. I know — I know it. But it ain't to be. Now 
Clingie would make you a real nice wife. 

Mr. R. Don't mention her name to me. She's a do-nothin , 
and a novel reader. 

Mrs. T. Why, Mr. Rubbels, she's real nice. She ain't 
what you might call very energetic, but then she talks real 
good language and her maw was a Virginia aristocracy. 
Clingie's real genteel. 

Mr. R. I didn't come here to talk Clingie. I come to talk 
•Mis' Tubs. I know you're havin' a hard row to hoe and 
you're makin' a big mistake by not accepting my offer. The 
winter is coming on, your work is falling off, you got to keep 
a roof over your head, you owe me two months rent now — 

Mrs. T. I know it. My best customers is all gone back 
on me. I'm desperately poor. I owe you fer grocery vittels 
as well as rent. I hardly know where to turn. 

Mr. R. (crosses to her). You turn right here. I'm the 
very man to help you. You're a good worker and a cheer- 
ful woman. I dunno's there's a woman in the hull country 
more suited to be the bride of Simon Rubbels than you be. 
I've been lonesome for goin' on three years now — arftl I 
want a wife. 

Mrs. T. Why do you pick me out? 

Mr. R f Cause you're so handy to have around the house. 
And then you're real handsome, too. And saving. 



52 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Mrs. T. If I'd marry you, you wouldn't expect me to 
love you, would you? 

Mr. R. Not at all; not at all. That ain't necessary. 

Mrs. T. Poor, dear departed Mr. Tubbs always used to 
say to me, "Mollie," he says, says he, "You won't need 
never come to want; if the worse comes to worst, you can 
always git married." I never thought of it before, but it 
does seem as if the worse has come to the worst. 

Mr. R. Then there is some chance fer me. (Kneels at 
her feet.) Mis' Tubbs, Mollie, will you be mine? We can 
put the children in the Orphan's Home and begin house- 
keeping jest like a young bride and groom. 

Mrs. T. Simon Rubbels, get up off from my floor. Did 
you say we'd put the children in the Orphan's Home? And 
me a mother? 

Mr. R. Well, you couldn't expect me to pervide fer an- 
other man's four children, could you? 

Mrs. T. No, I wouldn't expect you to do a thing like 
that. 

Mr. R. But I'd give you a real good home. 

Mrs. T. I ain't anxious fer a home, Simon Rubbels. 
What kind of a home would it be for a mother, if her chil- 
dren ain't with her? If you want Mollie Tubbs, you've got 
to take the whole kit and bilin', Queenie Sheba, Scurries 
Methusalem, Billy Blossom and Victoria Hortensia Punky 
Dunks. 

Mr. R. Oh, I never could support such a big family. 

Mrs. T. Then there's your hat and coat, and likewise 
your woolen muffler. Don't let me keep you, if you're in 
a hurry. 

Mr. R. Then maybe you can pay me the money you owe 
me fer rent and grocery vittels? 

Mrs. T. Oh, no. Why, I ain't got a cent in the house. 

Mr. R. More'n likely the children will have to go to a 
Home anyhow, and you'll be turned out in the Winter 
streets. What you goin' to do then ? 

Mrs. T. (loudly). What am. I going to do? I'm. going to 
work! Do you hear, Simon Rubbels. I'll work my fingers 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 53 

to the bone if need be, but my children ain't a goin' to starve. 
(Stares at him defiantly. If this speech is given with accel- 
erated force, it is sure of a "hand" from audience.} 

Mr. R. You're excited now, Mis' Tubbs. If you say the 
word I'll marry you and give you a good home and see that 
your children are well taken care of. And what's more, I'll 
have your boy Jimmie brung home to you ? 

Mrs. T. How can you do that? 

Mr. R. With money. I'll hire a detective to find him 
for you. They'll publish his picture everywhere with a letter 
saying, "Come home." He'll see it and your boy will be 
back quicker'n scat. 

Mrs. T. If you bring my Jimmie home to me I'll marry 
you tomorrow. 

Mr. R. I've got to go down to Flannigan's to collect the 
rent. I'll be going back in a few minutes. Now you think 
over what I've said, and if you are willing, just set a light 
in the window, and when I see it I'll know that you have 
consented. Then I'll come in. Good-bye for the present. 
(Exit R.) 

Mrs. T. I've got a notion to do it. He wouldn't have the 
heart to send the children to the Home. And he'd bring 
Jimmie home. Oh, I'd give anything in the world to have 
Jimmie home again. 

Scuffles sticks his head in at L. 

Scuffles. Has he gone? (Enters from L.) Has he 
gone? 

Mrs. T. Yes, he's gone. For the present. 

Enter Queenie and Billy from L. 

Queenie. What did he want, maw ? 

Mrs. T. Why, Queenie Sheba Tubbs, why ain't you in 
bed? 

Billy. Oh, maw, Miss Clingie's boiling mad, that's what 
she is. 

Queenie. She come near having the high strikes, and 
then she fainted plum dead away. 

Mrs. T. What's she doing now? 



54 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Scuffles. She's a packing up all her things in a news- 
paper. She's jest throwing everything all around. Is she 
going to leave, maw? 

Mrs. T. As like as not. Clingie certainly is a long time 
makin' up her mind, but when she's sot, a steam-shovel him- 
self couldn't unset her. 

Scuffles. She says that you are deceitful. 

Queenie. And that you tried to lure Mr. Rubbels away 
from her. 

Billy. Oh, maw, you ain't a goin' to marry that old man, 
are you ? 

Oueenie. Of course she ain't. She wouldn't marry him. 
He's too stingy. 

Billy. Why don't you marry the census taker, maw ? He 
gived me two nickels and old RufTels never give nobody 
nothing. 

Mrs. T. I ain't said that I was goin' to marry no one, yet. 

Scuffles. Mis' Clingie said that's what you're aimin' 
to do. 

Oueenie. Oh, maw, please don't marry with him. He's 
the meanest man in Shantytown. 

Scuffles. ■ And the stingiest. Every kid down here's got 
it in fer him. 

Mrs. T. Hush, Scuffles, you mustn't talk thataway. Mr. 
Rubbels ain't near as bad as some folks make out. He's of- 
fered to have a detective gentleman hunt all over creation 
for your brother Jimmie. 

Queenie. I won't go to his house to live. Never, never, 
never ! I'll run away and be an orphan in the 'Sylum before 
I'll live at his house. 

Scuffles. No, you won't. I'll take care of you. We'll all 
run away together. Me and you and Billy and Punky Dunks. 
I'll go to work and support you. 

Billy. No, sir. Billy Blossom ain't never goin' to run 
away from maw. 

Mrs. T. {hugs him). My Billy! 

Queenie. Why, maw, Rubbels would beat us. They say 
he used to beat his. other wife. He might beat you. 



MRS..TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 55 

Mrs. T. But we wouldn't have to work and half starve 
the way we do now. 

Queenie. I don't care if we do have to work and are 
half starved. I'd rather be whole-starved, and all of us to- 
gether, than to have Simon Rubbels beatin' you around. 

Billy. If Simon Rubbels beats my maw, I'll beat him. 

Scuffles. Oh, maw, you didn't promise him you'd 
marry him, did you? 

Mrs. T. No, I ain't promised. But I reckon he'd make 
you a real nice step-paw. 

Billy. No, he wouldn't. He'd be bad to us. I know it. 

Queenie. I never could stand him ; never. Oh, maw, 
don't do it. Let me go out to work. I'll support the family. 

Scuffles. So'll I. Let me get a job, too. I guess I can 
take care of you without old Rubbels buttin' in. 

Mrs. T. Well, it's long past your bedtime. Go in and 
get ready for bed. Don't cross the bridge before you git to 
it. I ain't married to him yet. 

Queenie. But, maw, promise — 

Mrs. T. I'll promise to do what I think is best. In with 
you, now. It's bedtime. 

Billy. Will you come in and tell us good-night ? ( Crosses 
L. with Queenie.) 

Mrs. T. Of course I will. Run along. {Exeunt Scuf- 
fles, Billy and Queenie.) It's going to be hard for them, 
hard for them. (Crosses and puts light in the zuindow.) 
But there's no other w.ay. I'll have to marry him. I want 
my Jimmie back again. 

Enter Clingie from L. She has numerous bundles, 
bird cage, etc., and wears hat and coat. 

Clingie. My heart is broke. Good-bye, Mollie Tubbs. 
I'm going out in the cruel world, and if I die you can lay 
it at your door. I never dreamed that you'd be deceitful. 

Mrs. T. Why, Clingie, I— 

Clingie. Not another word. The die is cast. What's 
did is done. I'm leaving your house forever. (Crosses to 
door at R.) I'll spend the night at Mis' Hickey's. Who 
can tell what the morning will bring forth? If I ever can 



56 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

forgive you, I'll come and tell you so. My heart is broke 
by the perfidy of man and the deceit of woman. Farewell, 
farewell forever. (Exit R.) 

Mrs. T. And there goes two dollars a week. Oh, there 
ain't no help for it. Everything is agin me. No work, no 
money, and now I've lost my boarder. (Sits C. and bows 
head and weeps.) I got to do it, I got to do it. (Cries.) 

Enter Punky Dunks in old white nightgown and bare 
feet. She conies to Mrs. T. and leans against her knee. 

Punky. Mamma, tiss Punky. She yants to do to sleep. 

Mrs. T. (drawing Punky to her). My baby, my baby. 
(Takes her in arms.) 

Punky. Punky loves oo, mamma. (Mrs. T. sings Punky 
to sleep.) 

Mrs. T. I wouldn't give this here minute with these 
little arms around my neck, and these baby kisses for ten 
thousands years of Simon Rubbels. I've got my babies 
and I've got their love, and all the money in the world 
can't take that from me. And he'd put them in the Or- 
phan's Home. (Blows out light in window.) There, Mr. 
Simon Rubbels, the honorable Mrs. Tubbs respectfully de- 
clines your offer of matrimony. 

Slow Curtain. 



MRS. TUBES OV SBANTYTOWN. 57 



Act III. 

Same scene as Act I. Queenie is discovered in C. iron- 
ing with Scuffles arranging clothes for her. Big basket 
of clothes stands at R. C. Punky is seated in soap box 
down R. playing with rag doll. Billy is making a kite, 
seated on floor near Punky. 

Punky. Billy Blossom. 

Billy. What you want? 

Punky. Pull Punky. Be a horsey. 

Queenie. Now, Punky Dunks, you. jest set still and 
play with your doll. I ain't goin' to have no horsies in my 
kitchen. Horsies belong in the stable. Just as soon as we 
get through this ironing Scuffles and you and me and Billy 
Blossom will play horsie out in front, and I'll be the horsie. 

Enter Elmira from R. follozued by two or three children. 

Elmira. Maw said we could come over here and play. 

Queenie. Come in. We'll be through in a minute. Then 
we'll play hide-and-seek over by the tracks. 

Elmira (coming dozvn to Billy). What you makin', 
Billy? A kite? 

Billy. Yep. 

Elmira. I got a kite at home. A real nice one. Maw 
got it at the store. 

Billy. Humph! I don't like store kites. They can't fly 
as good as home-made kites. They don't have enough tail. 

Elmira. Everything is awful quiet today. All the men 
is home. I wonder why they didn't go to work. 

Scuffles. Humph! Anybody knows that. It's Thanks- 
given. 

Elmira. What's Thanksgiven? 

Queenie. I read about it in a book. It's where you eat 
turkey and punkin' pie and things. 

Billy. Will we eat turkey and things ? 

Queenie. I guess all we'll eat will be the things. Thanks- 
given don't come to Sharitytown. 



58 MRS. TUBBS-OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Elmira. I'll bet turkey tastes just grand. 

Scuffles. Ain't you never et no turkey? 

Queenie. Why, Scuffles Tubbs, just listen to your gram- 
mar? What would Miss Campbell say? "Ain't you never et 
no turkey." That ain't good grammar. 

Scuffles. It is, too. {Pause.) Well, what ought I 
have said? 

Queenie (importantly). You ought to have said, "Ain't 
you never ate no turkey" — not "et no turkey." 

Scuffles. What difference does it make? She knowed 
what I meant. 

Queenie. Knew, knew. 

Scuffles. Ain't nothin' new about it. I've et turkey 
hunderds of times. 

Elmira (rapturously, with gesture). Oh, Scuffles, what 
does it taste like? 

Scuffles (thinking). Well, it's sort of like chicken, only 
it ain't so juicy. And there's lots more of it. 

Billy. Is it a great big chicken? 

Scuffles. Well, I guess it is. Big? Why, a turkey is a 
chicken's grandpaw. 

Elmira. Oh, it must be just grand. 

Queenie. Rich folks always eat turkey on Thanksgiven. 

Elmira. But what is Thanksgiven? 

Queenie. Oh, it's a day. 

Elmira. But why is it special? Why do they call it 
Thanksgiven ? 

Queenie. If somebody gives you a turkey, it's given, 
ain't it? That's the given part. Then you say, "Thanks" — 
and that makes Thanksgiven. 

Billy. I wish somebody would given me a turkey. 

Scuffles. It's awful good. They have cramberries and 
giblet gravy and stuffin'. Ah, say, it's swell. 

Elmira (haughtily). Humph! We had meat last night 
at our house! 

Scuffles. That's nothin'. We have meat every other 
day, nearly. 

Elmira. I like pork chops best. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 59 

Queenie. We like Irish stew. You can never tell what 
you're going to be eating, until you taste it. 

Scuffles. Turkey is the best of all. 

Billy. No, it ain't. It ain't as best as pie. Apple pie is 
best. 

Punky. And ice cweam. 

Queenie. Get a hot iron, Scuffles. (Exit Scuffles L. 
with cold iron.) 

Elmira. Whole lots of folks went to church this morn- 
ing. And the church bells all rung. Is it like Sunday? 

Queenie. I don't see how it can be like Sunday when 
it's only Thursday. 

Enter Mrs. T. from L. 

Mrs. T. (looks around). Well, ain't this nice. If we 
ain't havin' a surprise party, then my name ain't Mollie 
Tubbs. Queenie Sheba, you run over to the grocery and 
get a nickel's worth of winnywursts. I guess we can have 
refreshments, even if Miss Clingie ain't with us no more. 
Be sure and pick out the biggest winny's, Queenie Sheba. 

Queenie. Grocery ain't open. It's Thanksgiven. 

Mrs. T. Thanksgiven ? Why, so it is. And here I've been 
workin' all day, jest as if it wasn't a holiday. Put up that 
ironin' board, Scuffles ; bring me a clean apron. Bring the 
white one. (Exit Scuffles, L.) It's a lucky thing I got 
the clothes out on the line. Now we ain't got a blessed thing 
to do until they dry. We'll have a Thanksgiven celebration. 

Elmira. What is Thanksgiven, Mis' Tubbs? 

Billy. Can we have Thanksgiven without somebody 
gives us a turkey? 

Mrs. T. Lawsy, yes. Of course we can. Poor folks can 
have Thanksgiven as well as rich ones. 

Enter Scuffles from L. with white apron. 

Scuffles. This is your Sunday apron, maw. 

Mrs. T. (puts it on over other one). I know it. Now 
you all set down and I'll tell you about Thanksgiven. 
Scuffles, put the ironin' board across two chairs, so as all 
can have comfortable seats. We'll have a regular service. 



60 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Elmira (claps hands). Oh, goody, we're going to have 
a service. 

Billy. Maw, is a service what you can eat? 

Mrs. T. Billy Blossom, I never see you beat in the eatin' 
line. All set down now and act orderly. First, we ought 
to sing. 

Queenie. I want to set at the head. 

Scuffles. No, me. I'm the head of the family. 

Mrs. T. You ain't neither, Scuffles Tubbs. James Scot- 
land is the head of this family, and don't you forgit it. 

Scuffles. But he ain't here. 

Mrs. T. That makes no difference. Queenie, you can sit 
first. Now what do you wanta sing. 

Billy. Want to sing "Everybody's doing it, doing it, 
doing it — " 

Mrs. T. Billy Blossom Tubbs, where's your etiquette? 

Billy. I forgot it, maw. Do I have to have a etiquette? 

Mrs. T. I mean your manners'. "Doing it" ain't no 
Thanksgiven song. 

Elmira. I know a song. It's real pretty. They sing it 
at the picture show. 

Mrs. T. What is it, Elmira ? 

Elmira. "She was Only a Poor Working Girl." 

Mrs. T. I guess we don't know that. I know what we'll 
sing. Thanksgiven is sorter like the Fourth of July, seeing 
as the President orders it. Let's sing, "My Country, 'Tis 
of Thee." Your paw always used to be real fond of that. 
Seems like I kin jest shut my eyes and hear him singing 
now. He sung soprano in the church choir fer years. He 
didn't always hit the right tune, but he was powerful strong 
on them high notes. 

Queenie (starts off key). "My country, 'tis of thee — " 

Mrs. T. Hold on, Queenie. Hold on; wait fer the bal- 
ance of us. You got the words all right, but you're a little 
twisted as to the tune. All together now. When my hand 
goes up, sing. 

(They sing first and last stanzas of "America") 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 61 

Mrs. T. Now, that's what I call mighty fine singing. 
Next thing on the programmy is to salute the flag of our 
country, Old Glory. Billy Blossom, git my little flag. (Billy 
gets small, cheap flag from table drawer.') If there is one 
thing I'd like to teach you all today, it's to be patriotic. 
Love your country and stand up for it, to the last ditch. 
Poor folks can love their country jest the same as rich 
folks. And better. Rich folks have so many automobiles 
and plum-puddings and poodle dogs and sich fandangoes 
to love, that sometimes they forgit all about their country. 
I've always noticed that when the country needs men to 
"fight and women to cheer 'em on, it's ginerally the poor 
folks who stand up and say, "I'm ready, Uncle Sam, if 
there's any scrappin' to be did, I'm your man." Now, hold 
the flag, Punky Dunks. Now, salute. All ready. Go! 

All (in unison, slowly and distinctly). I pledge alle- 
giance to my Flag and to the Republic for which it stands ; 
one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. 

Elmira. Teacher, I know a piece. It's real nice. It's 
about little Goity Moiphy. 

Mrs. T. About Gertie Murphy ? Why, we'll have a regu- 
lar theater show. The next announcement on the pro- 
grammy is Madame Elmira Hickey, who will speech about 
Little Gertie Murphy. 

Scuffles. Oh, give us sumthin' new. I've heard that 
'bout a hundred times. 

Mrs. T. Hush up, Scuffles Tubbs. It ain't polite for the 
audience to butt in while the show is goin' on. Ladies and 
gents, this is Madame Hickey. 

Elmira (comes C. and makes low bow). This subject 
is Little Goity Moiphy. 

Scuffles. Go ahead, Goity. 

Elmira (recites with sweeping gestures). 
Little Goity Moiphy, 
She coitainly was a boid, 
She lived in Toity-second Street, 
A block from Toity-toid. 



62 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

She read the Sunday Joinal, 
She read the Sunday Woild, 
And all the boys liked Goity 
When Goity's hair was coiled. 

(Bows low and takes seat. Applause.) 

Mrs. T. Wasn't that nice, now ? That teaches us a lesson. 
Always keep your hair curled and your face and hands as 
clean as possible, and then folks will like you. 

1st Boy. I've got a song I want to sing, teacher. 

Mrs. T. All right. We kin stand it if you kin. Stand 
up here and let her go, Gallagher. We'll all join in the 
chorus. Mr. John Jacob Professor Huckleberry will now 
render fer us a song. (Specialty introduced.) 

Billy. Oh, maw, let's have Thanksgiven every day. 

Mrs. T. That's jest what we ought to do. Be thankful 
each day. 

Queenie. We're so poor that we ain't got much to be 
thankful for. 

Mrs. T. Why, Queenie Sheba Tubbs, I'm mortified most 
to death to hear them sentiments from you. Ain't got 
much to be thankful for. Why, you ain't blind, are you? 
Nor you don't limp and you ain't got bleached hair. And 
you don't have the sciaticy rheumatism, do you ? 

Queenie. No'm, I don't have none of them. 

Mrs. T. Well, you ought to be thankful for that. Scuf- 
fles, what are you thankful for? 

Scuffles. Cause I got a good home and plenty to eat 
and 'cause I ain't got freckles like Queenie Sheba has. 

Queenie. Well, I'm thankful that my name ain't Me- 
thusalem. 

Elmira. I'm thankful for lots of things . For not being 
sick and for having a dog and a cat, and for going to 
school — 

Scuffles. I ain't thankful for that. 

Mrs. T. Billy Blossom, what "are you thankful for? 

Billy. Me? Why, I'm thankful cause I've got you. 

Elmira. How can we show when we're thankful, Mis' 
Tubbs? 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 63 

Mrs. T. Only one way. By being good to somebody. 
That makes them thankful, too. If you've got a blessing, 
share it. That makes you happy and it makes the other 
fellow happy, too. Why, if every one would do that, we 
wouldn't need no jails ner prisons, but everybody would 
go round trying to make everybody else happy. 

Emira. I'm going right home and start to make people 
happy. I'll begin and kiss the cat. 

Mrs. T. Now we'll all join in singin' "Scatter Seeds of 
Sunshine," and then you can go out and make a snow man. 
(All sing one verse and chorus of some Sunday School 
song, and children march out R. while singing chorus.) 

Enter Mrs. Hickey from L. 

Mrs. H. Excuse me fer runnin' in the back way, Mis' 
Tubbs, but I've got some news. You'll never guess what's 
happened. 

Mrs. T. No, I never will. What is it? 

Mrs. H. How long is it since you heard from Miss 
Clingie Vine? 

Mrs. T. It's over a month since she went out of that 
door. I ain't heard a word since. What's happened to 
Clingie? She ain't married? 

Mrs. H. She's a millioniaire. 

Mrs. T. She's got her money she was expectin'? 

Mrs. H. (impressively). She fell heir to a thousand 
billion dollars. 

Mrs. T. How do you know? 

Mrs. H. It's in last week's paper. I brung it over for 
you to see. 

Mrs. T. Clingie was always such a nice girl. She had 
real genteel manners. 

Mrs. H. Wonders will never cease, Mollie Tubbs. Who'd 
ever thought that a real live millioinairess would have et 
right at my own table. I suppose she lives in one of them 
big houses now with gold furniture and a refrigerator and 
all that! 

Mrs. T. Is she living here in town? 

Mrs. H. No ; she's back in Virginny somewheres. 



64 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Mrs. T. Well, I certainly am glad for her sake. Money- 
might be the root of all evil, as the Scripture says, but I've 
always pretty ginerally noticed that most folks is willin' 
to take all of that root they can git, and not only root, but; 
limbs, twigs, trunks, branches and leaves. 

Mrs. H. It's a lucky thing for Clingie that she didn't 
marry Simon Rubbels. If ever there was a man on this 
green earth — 

Enter Mr. R. He stands at back unobserved. 

Mrs. H. Who gives me the flitterflgets, it's Simon Rub- 
bels. Fur be it from me from saying anything agin no one, 
but if there's such a thing as a human hyena, who is stingy 
besides, it's that man. 

Mr. R. (coming down C). Was you speaking of me, 
Mis' Hickey? 

Mrs. H. Well— if— it ain't Simon Rubbels in the flesh. 
Sakes alive! You most took my breath away. 

Mr. R. What I want to know is, was you talking about 
me? 

Mrs. H. (sweetly). Talking about you? (Crosses up to 
door.) Well, if you want to know real bad, I was! And 
now what you goin' to do about it? (Exits R. quickly.) 

Mr. R. Good riddance of bad rubbish. I never did like 
that woman nohow. And how are you feeling this evening, 
Mis' Tubbs? 

Mrs. T. Jest as fresh as a two-year-old. Won't you set 
down. 

Mr. R. I guess you know what I'm over here for, don't 
you, Mis' Tubbs? 

Mrs. T. Can't say as I do. 

Mr. R. Mis' Tubbs, I'm a plain man; I'm a plain man. 
Mis' Tubbs— 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir ; I know you are. 

Mr. R. Short, sweet and to the point; that's my motter. 
Now, sometime ago I made you a matrimonical proposition, 
as you might say. 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir; I ain't forgot. 

Mr. R. And I believe that you declined my offer. 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 65 

Mrs. T. I believe I did. 

Mr. R. Ain't changed your mind in the meantime, have 
you? Ain't had a change of heart, or a conviction that you 
could learn to love, honor and obey me, have you? 

Mrs. T. I ain't noticed it, if I have? 

Mr. R. In other words, you still decline to become Mrs. 
Simon Rubbels. Have you thought it well over and con- 
sidered the advantages I could bring you? A nice home, 
no worry about where your next mouthful of food is com- 
ing from, good clothes, and plenty, of good honest work to 
occupy your spare time, so as you won't have to brood 
over your troubles. 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir; I have thought of all that. 

Mr. R. And your boy Jimmie. Remember I ain't makin' 
no rash promises, but I might be able to find him and bring 
him home to you. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Mr. Rubbels, couldn't you do that for me, 
anyway? I'd work fer you, I'd slave fer you; I'd do any- 
thing a woman could do, if you'll only bring my boy back 
to me. 

Mr. R. Would you marry me? 

Mrs. T. But the other children? What would you do 
with them? 

Mr. R. I'd see that they was well cared for. I got a 
friend who can git every last one of 'em into the orphan 
asylum. And they'd be looked after real good over there, 
and git plenty to eat and to wear, and the doctor if they 
took sick. 

Mrs. T. Oh, I couldn't part with them ; I couldn't do it ; 
it would break my heart. 

Mr. R. No, it wouldn't. You see, you'd have me to fall 
back on. 

Mrs. T. It's no use talking any more about it. They are 
the idols of my heart and the apples of my eye. I never 
could bear to have them put in an asylum. 

Mr. R. That's settled, then. I won't beg no woman to 
marry me. I can get my pick, I guess. For the last time, 
will you have me? 

Mrs. T. Fur the last time, then, I won't. 



66 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

4 



Mr. R. Very well, madam; very well. Then perhaps 
you will be good enough to settle your account with me, I 
and let me depart in peace. 

Mrs. T. (frightened). Settle my account? 

Mr. R. Yes, ma'am, I want the money that's owing to ; 
me. 

Mrs. T. Oh, I can't pay you now, Mr. Rubbels. There 
ain't more'n two dollars in the whole house. 

Mr. R. You owe me over forty. (Produces bill.) To be 
exact, $41.43. I've give you all the time I'm going to. 
Business is business. Now, you've either got to pay me 
or git out. There's other parties waiting to move in. I 
won't trust you no longer. 

Mrs. T. Oh, sir, you ain't going to turn us out of house 
and home, are you? If you could only wait a week, I can 
pay some on what I owe. I've been promised a job in the 
laundry next week. 

Mr. R. I won't wait till next week. It would only be the_ 
same old story. I've waited too long now, jest because I'm 
a kind-hearted man. I'll attach what little scraps of furni- 
ture you've got as a part payment on your account. I don't 
suppose I'll ever see a cent of the balance. Tomorrow at 
noon this house has got to be ready for another tenant. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Mr. Rubbels, my baby ain't real well and 
we ain't got no place to go. You ain't goin' to turn us out 
into the streets? 

Mr. R. That ain't none of my business. Go to the poor- 
house if you're so proud. Go to your son Jimmie. Maybe 
he'll take care of you, if he kin. More'n likely he's locked 
up in State's Prison. 

Mrs. T. That'll do, Simon Rubbels. Don't you dare to 
say a word agin my Jim. (Louder.) You kin drive me 
out in- the street tomorrow, but tonight this house belongs 
to me. (Loudly.) Now, there's the door and there's your 
hat. I won't detain you no longer. 

Mr. R. What! High and mighty, are you? I will go, but 
I'll come back and bring a policeman with me. Not one 
stick of furniture goes out of this house until I'm paid in 



i; 



MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 67 

full. Then you can get out. The whole bunch of you. Out 
in the streets and starve. 

Mrs. T. Oh, ain't there no help for me? Ain't there no 
one on earth to who I can turn in my hour of sorrow? 

Enter Clingie. She comes down between Mrs. T. and 
Mr. R. 

Clingie {loudly). Yes, there is! Mollie Tubbs, you turn 
to me! 

Mrs. T. (in amazement) . Clingie, Clingie Vine! 

Clingie. Yes, it's me. Jest as natural as life and twice 
as handsome. 

Mrs. T. Why, Clingie Vine, I'd never a knowed you in 
Kingdom Come. You look for all the world like the Queen 
of England. 

Clingie. I've come into my money. Twelve thousand 
dollars. 

Mr. R. Twelve thousand dollars. Miss Vine, Clingie, 
will you marry me? 

Clingie (witheringly) . Mis' Tubbs, kindly remove that 
person from the vicinity of my presence. I've got a hired 
man working for me to tend my furnaces named Hooligan 
who is the living image of him. (To Mr. R.) I need a gar- 
dener and an automobile chuffer to work for me. If you're 
in need of a job, I might give you a chance, although your 
looks is agin you. I pay eight dollars a week with board. 

Mr. R. (choking with rage). Automobile choffer! Me? 
The time was when you tried your level best to make me 
propose to you. 

Clingie. Adoo, Mr. Simon Rubbels. I believe that's 
your name, ain't it? You and me don't mingle in the same 
spere, but I don't bear you no ill will. If you was goin', 
don't let me detain you. 

Mr. R. I ain't going until I get the $41.43 that's com- 
ing to me. Mollie Tubbs can't pay me, so I'm turning her 
out bag and baggage. Maybe now that she's got such rich 
friends, they'll settle this account. 

. Clingie. That's jest exactly what they will do. (Opens 
purse.) There's a twenty dollar bill and there's another. 



68 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

And there's two dollars. You can keep the change. Now, 
you get! (He takes money and starts to speak.) Not an- 
other word. You get, or I'll call the police and have you 
evacuated. (Exit Mr. R. at R. quickly.) 

Mrs. T. (crying). Oh, Clingie, Clingie! I won't be able 
to pay you back for a month or more. You're a reg'lar 
human angel, Clingie Vine, right down from the skies. 

Clingie. I owe that money to you. If it hadn't a been 
for you I might have married that human hippopotamus, 
and then where would I a' been at? 

Mrs. T. Oh, Clingie, it's jest wonderful. But I knew 
and trusted that everything would turn out all right in the 
end. 

Clingie. But that ain't all. I've got more news for you. 
Something you don't dream of. Mis' Tubbs, are you calm? 
Then be prepared fer a big shock. Last week on a Thurs- 
day morning I went down in my kitchen to show my cook 
how to make Irish stew, or maybe 'twas apple dumplings, 
and I saw the grocery boy. He was real good looking, that 
grocery boy was. I looked at him and he looked at me — 

Mrs. T. Clingie Vine, you ain't gone and married a gro- 
cery boy, have you? 

Clingie. No, I ain't married at all. But I got suitors 
world without end. As soon as I saw that boy I knowed 
I'd seen him somewheres before. And I had. I saw him 
hung right in this very house. 

Mrs. T. Seen him hung in this house? Oh, Clingie, 
what's ailing you? 

Clingie (impressively). I tell you I seen him hung in 
this very room. 

Mrs. T. Your good fortune must have touched your 
brain. Now you come in your old room and lay down and 
let me make you a bowl of bean soup. You're all unstrung. 

Clingie. I tell you I've seen him hanging day after day 
in this very room. 

Mrs. T. There, there, Clingie, don't let your mind dwell 
on it. There wasn't nobody ever hung in this room. 

Clingie. Of course he wasn't hung here ; it was his pic- 






MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 69 

ture. There it is. It is your boy Jimmie. The grocery boy 
was your boy Jimmie. 

Mrs. T. My Jimmie? Oh, Clingie, can it be true? 

Clingie. It was James Scotland Tubbs, your only be- 
gotten first-born son, as sure as I'm a living lady. 

Mrs. T. But where is he? Has he come home? Oh, 
Clingie, has he come home? 

Clingie. He has. I've brung him back to you. He's out 
in my automobile. 

Mrs. T. (running to door at R.). Jimmie, Jimmie, my 
boy, my boy! (Exits R.) 

Clingie (after a pause). Ain't she happy? Money don't 
make no difference to her. She wouldn't give up this mo- 
ment with her boy Jim fer all the money that ever was 
invented. 

Enter Queenie and Billy from R. 

Queenie. Oh, it's Miss Clingie, Miss Clingie. (Hugs 
her.) 

Billy. Our brother Jimmie has come home, Miss 
Clingie. Jimmie has come home. 

Enter Mrs. T. from R., leaning on the arm of a young 
man in a chauffeur's costume and follozved by Scuffles. 
The young man carries Punky in his arms. Enter from R. 
Tom, Miss Campbell, Mrs. Hickey, Elmira and all other 
neighbors and children. 

Mrs. H. (shaking hands with Clingie). How does it 
feel to have so much money, Clingie? Oh, excuse me, I 
guess I ought to say Miss Vine. 

Clingie. I'm always Clingie to my friends. 

Mrs. T. Mis' Hickey, let me make you 'quainted with 
my boy, Jim. He'd a been home long before only he was 
saving up money to buy us all a home in the country. 

Clingie. Now every last one of you get on your hats 
and bunnets and such. I'm going to take the hull bunch in 
my automobile. We're going to the swellest hotel in this 
town and have the swellest dinner that ever was invented. 
It's in honor of my dear, dear friend Mollie Tubbs and her 
boy Jimmie. 



70 MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN. 

Billy. And will we have turkey? 

Clingie. We'll have two turkeys, if you want 'em. And 
seven kinds of pie and ice cream. 

Scuffles. Where's my hat? Where's my hat? 

Mrs. T. And it's Thanksgiven. Seems like we ought to 
pray or sing or do something like that, jest to show our 
thankfulness. 

Queenie. You said the way to do it was to make every- 
body happy. 

Mrs. T. That's right. That's jest what Clingie is going 
to do. 

Billy. Are you happy, maw? 

Mrs. T. Am I? Happy ain't the word to express it. 
Jimmie's here (takes his hand), and Clingie ain't mad at 
me no more (takes her hand). I reckon I'm the happiest 
woman in the United States of Americy. My cup runneth 
over, my cup runneth over. (The curtain slowly falls.) 

Curtain. 






A Rustic Romeo 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

A musical comedy in 2 acts, 10 males, 12 females. Only 5 
m. and 4 f. have lines. The rest are in the chorus. It can be 
played by 5 m., 4 f., eliminating the chorus. It will prove equally 
successful when produced without music. Time, 2*4 hours. Scenes: 
1 exterior, 1 interior. Characters: John Jabe Doolittle, the would- 
be heart smasher of Chowderville. Hink Spinny, who peddles 
tinware, woodenware and hardware everywhere. Sid Roberts, who 
longs for the "Great White Way." Azariah Figg, storekeeper. 
Grandpaw Blue, the oldest inhabitant. Evalina Tupper, the vil- 
lage belle. Miss Dee, a lovelorn critter. Mrs. Spriggs, looking 
for the third. Honeysuckle Spriggs, her little sunbeam. The 
Chowderville fire brigade and its charming society leaders, con- 
stitute the chorus. Contains ten exceptionally clever songs, hu- 
morous and sentimental. "I Want a Big-Town Girl" is set to 
original music. The remainder are sung to familiar college airs. 
"Pretty Girls," "I'm Falling in Love Again," "Moonlight Sere- 
nade," "John Jabe's Wedding," "Over the Banister," "The Chow- 
der Fire Brigade," "Gay Manhattan," "Love's Waltz" and "On 
the Fourth of July." A most interesting plot wound about the 
events of a small town, which keeps one's interest keen until 
Figg finally locates his $70.00 and John Jabe gets a wife. This 
play is a decided novelty. Directions are given with the songs, 
explaining in detail how the chorus may be drilled to march, form 
figures, pictures, etc., which are very effective, yet in the range 
of amateurs. A clever stage director should make this show equal 
most metropolitan successes. Especially recommended for col- 
lege productions. Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty 
of five dollars required for amateur performance. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — Chowderville on a busy day. Honeysuckle and St. 
Cecelia astonish the rubes. The boy whose father was bad. "Do 
I look like a tall-grass sister?" Miss Dee, a lone, lorn critter, tells 
of the awfulness of the world. The village belle and the Rustic 
Romeo. "Girls, girls, girls!' A matrimonial advertisement from 
a clinging little blonde named Golden-haired Flossie. Hink Spin- 
ney tries to propose to Evalina. "If I only had $70!" Mrs. Spriggs 
astonishes the natives. "I'll make you think a Kansas tornado has 
struck your town." A moonlight serenade. The robbery. "Who 
stole my $70?" 

Act II. — John Jabe's hotel on the Fourth of July. A country 
wedding. Honeysuckle and the four rubes. "Skidoo is New York 
talk for scat." The Fairfield Road folks come to the wedding. 
Miss Dee's wedding present, a bottle of Miggins' Stomach Balm, 
good "fer every ailment in the human cistern." An unwilling 
bridegroom. Figg catches the thief — almost. The Chowder fire 
brigade. A suspicious bride with a temper. Deserted on her 
wedding morn. "We'll be as happy as two little twin cubebs." A 
double wedding and divided wedding presents. Figg recovers his 
$70. Patriotic finale: On the Fourth of July. 

"We played 'A Rustic Romeo' a few nights ago to a packed 
house. A dandy play for amateurs." — Tom Conley, Luling, Texas. 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Aaron Boggs, Freshman 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

College comedy in 3 acts; 8 males, 8 females. Time, 2y 2 hours. 
Scenes: 1 exterior, 1 interior. Characters: Aaron from Splinter- 
ville. Happy Jimmie Jamieson, a susceptible junior. Beau Car- 
ter, a prominent senior. Pepper Jervis, studying repose. Epenetus 
P. Boggs, a pillar of Splinterville. Mr. Chubb, born tired. Casey 
Jones, a college politician. Second-hand Abey, who does his friends 
good. Lizzie Feeny, a waitress but a perfect lady. Mrs. Chubb, a 
boarding-house keeper. Mrs. Pickens, likewise. Evelyn, Lois, 
Cherry and Loretta, college girls. Dollie, a vaudeville queen. 

SYNOPSIS. 
Act I. — In college years, when life's at spring, 
The old love seems a little thing, 
And heads are turned by the college whirl, 
And the Freshman seeks a college girl. 
The new football star, captured in the railroad shops. "He's 
going to take plain sewing and cross-stitch." Paw brings Aaron 
to college. 'Aaron made the finest graduating address ever heard 
on the Splinterville platform." Aaron is hazed and Lizzie Maud 
meets an old beau. 

Act II. — Off with the old love, on with the new, 
But often the newer love won't do. 
The sweetest rose is the old rose pressed 
And I sometimes think that the old love's best. 
Aaron president of the Freshman class. "Slaving for eleven 
students and everyone a hyena in a Norfolk jacket." "I have oat- 
meal to burn and sometimes I do." The telegram. "Grandson of 
Stephen J. Boggs, the multi-millionaire." Why did I ever send 
that telegram? It's all over." 

Act III. — ■ For a college life is a thing apart, 

And a college love is a whim o' the heart. 
And the heart beats true, though the world seems slow, 
When you love the girl, you used to know. 
"I thought you wanted me for myself, not for my grandfather." 
"I resign right now." Chubb brings home a load but forgets the 
wood. "Me working like a slave and him down town making a 
human faucet out of hisself." "She said she'd take me on one 
condition — that was easy, I entered with six." It's taken quite 
awhile to learn where I belong here at college, but I've found my- 
self — and I've found you." 

The Fascinators 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

Comic entertainment in one act; 13 females. Time, 40 minutes. 
A thorough school, open to girls between sixteen and fifty, which 
gives scientific training in the fascinating game of catching a hus- 
band. Introduces specialties and a number of songs, "Stately 
Lilies," "Cooking Song," etc., which are sung to familiar college 
airs. It ends with a very clever and amusing "Flirtation" song 
and drill. Particularly suitable for women's clubs and societies. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price I 



M. F. 

Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 

30 min 6 10 

Great Doughnut Corporation, 

30 min 3 5 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 

Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Carver's Fancy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 

min * . . . 3 2 

My Lord in Livery, 1 hr.... 4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. 3 3 

My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr.... 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 .rh, 5 

Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 

Only Cold Tea. 20 min 3 3 

Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 3 2 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Rough Diamond, 40 min 4 3 

Second Childhood, 15 min 2 2 

Smith, the Aviator, 40 min... 2 3 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min..... 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Treasure from Egypt, 45 min. 4 1 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 

Two Bonnycastles, 45 min.... 3 3 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min ..32 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Which Will He Marry? 20 min. 2 8 

Who Is Who? 40 min ... 3 2 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr .... 7 3 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MO 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAY* 

M. - 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... 2 
Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.10 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1^ 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min 2 

Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

Five Minutes from Yell Col- 
lege, 15 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 

Handy Andy (Negro), 12 min. 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube ! 1 5 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min 1 1 

Hot Air, 25 min 2 1 

iumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

-ittle Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. Badger's Uppers, 40 min. 4 2 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10 

min 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 

Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 

Recruiting Office, 15 min 2 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and L 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min . 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville, 

15 min 1 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 

Who Gits de Reward? 30 min. 5 1 



A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denlson's Catalogue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers.154 W. RandolphSt. , Chicago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



'ULAR ENTERTAIN*. 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 25 cents each 



Monologues 
grav^ipgay 



m* 



TN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very celver; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 
Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of master minds. 



The Poetical Entertainer. 

For reading or speaking. 
Pomes ov the Peepul. 

Wit, humor, satire, funny poems. 
ScraR-Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
No. 25e. 



poetry. 14 Nos., per J 

DRILLS 



The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Plans, invitations, decorations, 
games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and hpw to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway 

ing Figures. For little 1 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas colle* 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha 

Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 



ages. 
Sway- 

le tots. 

ilection. 
tES 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154W. Randolph St., Chicago 



